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Non-Biodegradable


Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 46
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 818
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 273



Description:




Non-Biodegradable



A paper laying on the ground
covered in dirt and left un-found

years go by, and still it lasts
written words of a sorrowful past

not wind, nor rain, nor the sun itself
can ever uncover the forgotten self





Submitted on 2009-01-26 01:00:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  "so day after day, it lives in the earth
filled with self doubt, but never self worth"

You have to cut these lines out,theyre absolutely terrible,that last senetence is just a turgid horrid anti-climax to what could have otherwise been a nifty piece of writing.

They take away from it so much I bet you dont even know.

Leave it at this:

"A paper laying on the ground
covered in dirt and left un-found

years go by, and still it lasts
written words of a sorrowful past

not wind, nor rain, nor the sun itself
can ever uncover the forgotten self"

There you have a stronger finish which you yourself wrote,it eouldnt be perfect,but Id call it a decent stab towards something great.

But you probably wont cut those lines out will you?

I wish you would...

-Craig



| Posted on 2009-04-24 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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