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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Non-Biodegradabledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PiperH
    ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
    Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253/299/172
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 753
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 273



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNon-Biodegradabledots
    -------------------------------------------


    A paper laying on the ground
    covered in dirt and left un-found

    years go by, and still it lasts
    written words of a sorrowful past

    not wind, nor rain, nor the sun itself
    can ever uncover the forgotten self





    Submitted on 2009-01-26 01:00:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "so day after day, it lives in the earth
    filled with self doubt, but never self worth"

    You have to cut these lines out,theyre absolutely terrible,that last senetence is just a turgid horrid anti-climax to what could have otherwise been a nifty piece of writing.

    They take away from it so much I bet you dont even know.

    Leave it at this:

    "A paper laying on the ground
    covered in dirt and left un-found

    years go by, and still it lasts
    written words of a sorrowful past

    not wind, nor rain, nor the sun itself
    can ever uncover the forgotten self"

    There you have a stronger finish which you yourself wrote,it eouldnt be perfect,but Id call it a decent stab towards something great.

    But you probably wont cut those lines out will you?

    I wish you would...

    -Craig



    | Posted on 2009-04-24 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    170488

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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