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    dots Submission Name: Septemberdots

    Author: Mandi Gayle
    ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298/348/150
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 735
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 602


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Whispers in the night are drifting
    In and out of sleeping ears;
    Hands of ivory now are sifting
    Through the sands of fears.
    Fingers find amongst the grains
    A lone and perfect pearl;
    Thoughts spin and heart strains
    As imprisoned hopes unfurl.
    I’ve waited long for this wonder
    Reflected in timorous eye;
    Now home only to gentle thunder
    For at last the clouds are dry.
    But tears – O! High the number!
    Many hath my pillow seen;
    ‘Fore my pearl sent grief to lumber
    Up the path to the guillotine!

    Submitted on 2009-01-26 09:28:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah, liked this. Not every day you read a poem like this on here!

    The only criticism I have is with the flow. Several lines were a bit out. The 1st one to slip up is "Through the sands of fears". You need another word to make this line scan. e.g. : "Through the sands of thoughts and fears".

    The next one would be "Thoughts spin and heart strains". I would say you need 3 syllables between "and" and "strains" to make this line work.

    There are also a few other lines out of sync.

    The only other thing I would say is that I think it would work better if the poem was arranged in four line stanzas, as I feel there is a natural gap after each four lines in the work.

    Meter aside, I think this was good. I liked the content and my fav line would have 2 be "For at last the clouds are dry".
    | Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]

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