September -------------------------------------------
Whispers in the night are drifting
In and out of sleeping ears;
Hands of ivory now are sifting
Through the sands of fears.
Fingers find amongst the grains
A lone and perfect pearl;
Thoughts spin and heart strains
As imprisoned hopes unfurl.
I’ve waited long for this wonder
Reflected in timorous eye;
Now home only to gentle thunder
For at last the clouds are dry.
But tears – O! High the number!
Many hath my pillow seen;
‘Fore my pearl sent grief to lumber
Up the path to the guillotine!
Yeah, liked this. Not every day you read a poem like this on here!
The only criticism I have is with the flow. Several lines were a bit out. The 1st one to slip up is "Through the sands of fears". You need another word to make this line scan. e.g. : "Through the sands of thoughts and fears".
The next one would be "Thoughts spin and heart strains". I would say you need 3 syllables between "and" and "strains" to make this line work.
There are also a few other lines out of sync.
The only other thing I would say is that I think it would work better if the poem was arranged in four line stanzas, as I feel there is a natural gap after each four lines in the work.
Meter aside, I think this was good. I liked the content and my fav line would have 2 be "For at last the clouds are dry".
Submission Name: September
