[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Septemberdots

    Author: Mandi Gayle
    ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298/348/150
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 692
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 602


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Whispers in the night are drifting
    In and out of sleeping ears;
    Hands of ivory now are sifting
    Through the sands of fears.
    Fingers find amongst the grains
    A lone and perfect pearl;
    Thoughts spin and heart strains
    As imprisoned hopes unfurl.
    I’ve waited long for this wonder
    Reflected in timorous eye;
    Now home only to gentle thunder
    For at last the clouds are dry.
    But tears – O! High the number!
    Many hath my pillow seen;
    ‘Fore my pearl sent grief to lumber
    Up the path to the guillotine!

    Submitted on 2009-01-26 09:28:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah, liked this. Not every day you read a poem like this on here!

    The only criticism I have is with the flow. Several lines were a bit out. The 1st one to slip up is "Through the sands of fears". You need another word to make this line scan. e.g. : "Through the sands of thoughts and fears".

    The next one would be "Thoughts spin and heart strains". I would say you need 3 syllables between "and" and "strains" to make this line work.

    There are also a few other lines out of sync.

    The only other thing I would say is that I think it would work better if the poem was arranged in four line stanzas, as I feel there is a natural gap after each four lines in the work.

    Meter aside, I think this was good. I liked the content and my fav line would have 2 be "For at last the clouds are dry".
    | Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Lie back & tan written by Daniel Barlow
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    Starseed written by endlessgame23




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]