Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Septemberdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mandi Gayle
    ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
    Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298/348/150
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 779
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 602



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeptemberdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Whispers in the night are drifting
    In and out of sleeping ears;
    Hands of ivory now are sifting
    Through the sands of fears.
    Fingers find amongst the grains
    A lone and perfect pearl;
    Thoughts spin and heart strains
    As imprisoned hopes unfurl.
    I’ve waited long for this wonder
    Reflected in timorous eye;
    Now home only to gentle thunder
    For at last the clouds are dry.
    But tears – O! High the number!
    Many hath my pillow seen;
    ‘Fore my pearl sent grief to lumber
    Up the path to the guillotine!




    Submitted on 2009-01-26 09:28:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yeah, liked this. Not every day you read a poem like this on here!

    The only criticism I have is with the flow. Several lines were a bit out. The 1st one to slip up is "Through the sands of fears". You need another word to make this line scan. e.g. : "Through the sands of thoughts and fears".

    The next one would be "Thoughts spin and heart strains". I would say you need 3 syllables between "and" and "strains" to make this line work.

    There are also a few other lines out of sync.

    The only other thing I would say is that I think it would work better if the poem was arranged in four line stanzas, as I feel there is a natural gap after each four lines in the work.

    Meter aside, I think this was good. I liked the content and my fav line would have 2 be "For at last the clouds are dry".
    | Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    170498

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Giving written by jjd
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Bond written by saartha
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    untitled written by Chelebel
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry