This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

September


Author: Mandi Gayle
ASL Info:    22/Female/Kentucky
Elite Ratio:    4.45 - 298 /348 /150
Words: 91
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1364
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 608



Description:




September



Whispers in the night are drifting
In and out of sleeping ears;
Hands of ivory now are sifting
Through the sands of fears.
Fingers find amongst the grains
A lone and perfect pearl;
Thoughts spin and heart strains
As imprisoned hopes unfurl.
I’ve waited long for this wonder
Reflected in timorous eye;
Now home only to gentle thunder
For at last the clouds are dry.
But tears – O! High the number!
Many hath my pillow seen;
‘Fore my pearl sent grief to lumber
Up the path to the guillotine!




Submitted on 2009-01-26 09:28:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Yeah, liked this. Not every day you read a poem like this on here!

The only criticism I have is with the flow. Several lines were a bit out. The 1st one to slip up is "Through the sands of fears". You need another word to make this line scan. e.g. : "Through the sands of thoughts and fears".

The next one would be "Thoughts spin and heart strains". I would say you need 3 syllables between "and" and "strains" to make this line work.

There are also a few other lines out of sync.

The only other thing I would say is that I think it would work better if the poem was arranged in four line stanzas, as I feel there is a natural gap after each four lines in the work.

Meter aside, I think this was good. I liked the content and my fav line would have 2 be "For at last the clouds are dry".
| Posted on 2009-01-26 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



170498