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    dots Submission Name: Promis Ringdots

    Author: LRRolins
    ASL Info:    17/A/A world you dont own
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 142/140/84
    Words: 297
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 652
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1737

       A wee bit rough,but I styarted working on this months ago...sometime last year about November,I guess.Well,it was after Jake gave me this gold little ring.We decided to make it into a makeshift promise ring.That work was the whole first stanza.I almost thought about leaving it alone and putting the rest as a different poem,but it stuck and,I think, fits together now. Tell me how you feel about it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPromis Ringdots

    In the reflection of a golden ring,I see eternity.
    Just the same as in your eyes, the same as the eternal sky.
    You,the one who send chillls down my frail spine and holds me no matter how fall I fall,
    keep me closest to God.
    You reminded me that people can change.

    Now,I hold silver,inscribed with words that I can read and those I cannot.
    I am blind and numb as I try to read the braile.
    These things I now do because of betrayal of the heart.
    My eyes have been gouged again.
    "So sorry,will be back soon"
    says the sign on my heart.
    And my soul is as disapointed as my Father is.
    There's noone to let them in.
    There's no fire here anymore.
    Someone call the local arsonists!
    I need to set on fire!
    I need to be ressucitated,brought back to life.
    Brought back through the fire
    to be purified,perfected, and hardened and set out to cool
    just like gold and silver.

    You,one, that gave me these things,these rings draw me back
    in to He who loves and protects and gives and santifies.
    For any who are under the shadow of the Almighty shall know no harm.
    For this I know.
    You,I don't not blame you for my fall because you didn't fail to catch me.
    I blame myself for I never called.
    And I tell you this is shame,
    my head not nigh.
    But the truth is,
    I am ready to go.
    I am ready to trust and let go.
    But are you ready to take me as I am?
    Thats the question
    and that is where the third of a trinity comes in to grace a feeble hand braced only in two: gold and silver.

    Submitted on 2009-01-27 00:33:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You wrapped this one up nicely at the end. The second part of it, is expressed well but could use a touch up here and there. for instance :

    And my soul is as disapointed as my Father is.
    There's noone to let them in.
    There's no fire here anymore.

    seems to take away from the gneral direction of the piece, though I do see how fire relates into your metaphor. All it really needs is a better rhytmn. thats all.

    I think what really makes the second part unclear is (I read through it again sorry) the line

    "These things I now do because of betrayal of the heart."

    you did not reveal how what or why you do the things which brings betrayal. wow i really hope i dont upset you. Not trying to be rude. Just trying to offer up a new point of view. Kind of like looking in through the window instead of looking out of it. hope it helps. have fun!
    | Posted on 2010-02-04 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]

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