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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scatterbrainsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jessa
    ASL Info:    29/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 221/209/73
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 553
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 855



    Description:
       Writer's Block in rhyme form


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScatterbrainsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Too many thoughts to pick just one
    Which one to write on? I have but none
    None worth the ink in my dying pen
    None worth confess to my one lone friend

    I could write on love, but it's been lacking
    Turned my back & sent it packing
    I could write on the sky and the stars above
    But they're lost in the lights this city loves
    I could write on dreams of a better tomorrow
    But I'm up to my knees in bitter cold sorrow

    Tonight's not the night to write down my thoughts
    Scattered & tortured, psychotic & distraught
    But I can't put my head down without thinking maybe
    If I just get it all out - that I could be free
    But what am I thinking, what's in my head?
    Too fast to catch what's already dead




    Submitted on 2009-01-30 03:57:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ah, a fine and lilting piece of poetry here... describes well what all of us go through at least sometimes, if not very often... fine poem! michael
    | Posted on 2009-01-31 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think many out there have faced scattered, disorganized, and demoralized thoughts like these. Actually, this is good as it genuinely reflects a mood that all of us are caught up in at one time or another!

    I have a spelling correction to suggest; fourth line in the first stanza, confess should be confessing? Also, meter would improve if you changed
    'But can't admire through lights this city loves'
    to
    'but they're lost in the lights this city loves'.

    This needs a stronger title that will pull the reader in; I suggest "That I Could Be Free" (your words in the last stanza).

    You have talent and confidence, pretty lady! This has the makings of a good piece!
    | Posted on 2009-01-31 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]


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