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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Opendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 234
    Class/Type: Prose/Satire
    Total Views: 611
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1317



    Description:
       Frustration, I need help with this piece. Critics welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOpendots
    -------------------------------------------


    The pub closed at midnight save for those who were desperate for the drink.

    At this time this little bar at the end of the street opened only one dimly lit eye into the night, and with the shades half down she glared drunkenly at the black salty restless sea on this edge of the island.

    The sign on the door said closed, the shades were drawn but one little pebble kept her ajar for folk to come in had the need to.

    A black devil walked down the island this night and spied purposefully at the door. In a moment he was upon the only rummy in the place. This went unnoticed to Tony the bartender he was shining his glasses with a twisted up old rag.

    Devil: Hello Sir.

    The rummy didn't hardly move but to look and see if anyone were addressing him.

    Devil: I'll give you a moment to compose yourself while I order us a drink.

    The rummy perked and straightened his back as best he could, with what little strength and composure he still had from timeless nights he spent hunkered over this table.

    In a moment, without any words spoken aloud and only a general glance by the devil, Tony had busied himself with two shots and two snorts of rum and caca powder.







    Submitted on 2009-02-01 17:01:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      Loved this and would love to read more of it. I love the idea of the Devil comming to make a call.
    Great write let me know when you have more and I'll come back and read it.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2009-02-07 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      
    It closed at midnight save for those who were desperate.

    At this time this little bar at the end of the street opened only one dimly lit eye into the night, and with the shades half down she [insert name here?] glared drunkenly at the black, [salty is implied] restless sea away from the island.

    The sign on the door said closed; the shades were drawn but one little pebble kept her ajar for folk to come in had they the need.

    A black [something other than black? you mention the sea as black already] devil walked down the island this night and spied purposefully at the door. In a moment he was upon the only rummy in the place. This went unnoticed to Tony the bartender who was shining his glasses with a twisted-up old rag.

    Devil: “Hello Sir.”

    The rummy hardly moved, but only to look to see if anyone was addressing him.

    Devil: “I'll give you a moment to compose yourself while I order us a drink.”

    The rummy perked and straightened his back as best he could, with what little strength and composure he had from timeless nights spent hunkered over the table previously.

    In a moment, without any words spoken aloud, Tony had busied himself with two shots and two snorts of rum and caca powder.


    a revision to look at.
    i found that you could chop out a lot of this right down and still say much the same things. a few grammar and syntax issues as well that i've played around with. also, unnecessary descriptions at times: keep it as concise as possible. what i mean is that too many adjectives destroy a piece. and watch for long sentences which could be broken up into more manageable bite-sized chunks.

    the three places i inserted [brackets] in were issues that only you can come up with. i feel that "she" is too impersonal; now is the chance to throw a name into it to make it more familiar. the second was implied already: all seas are salty... no need to say it, y'know? the final place i mentioned was in you describing the devil as black; maybe more description could work here? or something else that's not about his colouring?

    overall, this has promise to it as an opening. i'm curious as to how you want this to end; is there an ending that you foresee or are you just going with it, seeing how it'll turn out spontaneously? as it is, it's still unfinished, needing some sort of conflict, climax, and resolution.

    ya.
    so there you go.
    take what works for you.
    | Posted on 2009-02-02 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]


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