Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

I Will Loose...

Author: PiperH
ASL Info:    17, F, Georgia
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 253 /299 /172
Words: 94
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1002
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 612


I Will Loose...

Another step, and I stumble
Another scream and I crumble
Another drink, and you mumble
Something that doesn’t make sense

Have I lived only to die here
Have I cried only to know fear
Have you lost all control here
As my hands lift in defense

You hit me with your anger
You pushed me into danger
you surprised me with a stranger
At my personal expense

Another life is what I need
Another hit, and I will bleed
Another fist and I will plead
I’m a future progressive tense…

Submitted on 2009-02-02 02:59:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


I liked your piece it's neat and well-accomplished. I often read poems that include a certain rhyme scheme and most of them contain a sort of strain, forced like-rhyme but I did not see that here in fact I reckon that this aforementioned element intensifies the message you are trying to get across and at the same time gives it an ironic quality that was altogether delightful.

As to the content, and from were I'm standing, in the first and second stanza one can perceive some sort of brutal mayhem that may be triggered by an alleged
relationship with someone, I might be wrong though ....
There's obviously a smattering of bewilderment interspersed with betrayal, as one read further.

As I formerly mentioned, I enjoyed this and I happen to think that your style is quite riveting, for that matter.



| Posted on 2009-02-02 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?