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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a stormdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: joy7542
    Elite Ratio:    5.03 - 1034/952/203
    Words: 312
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 97
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1247



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa stormdots
    -------------------------------------------


    when the rain falls so simply, down my lip

    stop...
    ing at the space between jubilee and melancholy

    I wonder where the world is, hiding behind vibrant windows and
    lamp lit halls when, they could have
    all this.... a detonation of sound and light s t r i k i n g fear
    to all

    as far as your eyes will strain to see, layers sweep across the sky

    so deep

    and never ending at your pleated fingertips...
    hair soaked thoughts, clung to my face
    mangled into clumps of red disaster against my beautiful
    white skin and sun soaked imperfections.

    Look, where I am

    nowhere

    in particular...but as the rain falls so delicate, so hard --- puddles raise at my feet
    arms outstretched in a song, eyes in a dance with the moment...

    it's almost perfect, so close

    ...empty, I long for you...

    and the whole world knows.




    Submitted on 2009-02-04 02:30:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I couldn't tell you [censored] about how to best format this piece but I agree that it was both interesting and destracting. I also had a few concerns with the consistency of the tense

    " in all as far as the eyes will strain to see"

    The key is just to look through the poem and keep it consistent.

    It's passionate, forceful, eloquent, well paced, and delicate, it's many of these things.

    My fav lines

    "air soaked thoughts, clung to my face

    mangled into clumps of red disaster against my beautiful

    white skin and sun soaked imperfections."

    DB

    | Posted on 2009-02-04 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Honestly, I found this a little difficult to read - the first time around. I had to go over it a few times, but the structure definitely sparked my curiosity and kept it going. What I thought that I should point out is that "delicate" in "but as the rain falls so delicate" should probably be "delicately" you might have to replace "hard". I love what you did here. It's as if the words were lingering at the tip of my tongue when I was reading, and now this piece is lingering on the edge of my mind and center. Nicely done!
    | Posted on 2009-02-04 00:00:00 | by bas | [ Reply to This ]



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