"We would most of our" I think you need a verb between 'would' and 'most'.
"And when one left even for a minute" The 'one' you're refering to here is unclear. When what/who left?
I like the use of the phrase "In another life." This is certainly a 'what if' type of poem. I guess all I can really suggest is try to clarify a bit more, dig deep and make those images real to the reader. Keep pushing it.