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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: weepingwillow
    ASL Info:    23/f/Brighton
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 38/75/35
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 986
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 559



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    tracing lines
    ive an inbuilt jaundice

    a melancholia running deep

    predisposed to grating my own grey matter
    build a castle with it
    or let me flop

    all parts are whole
    existence displaces what I truly know

    skin shedding philanthropy
    threatens to dis-embowel me

    a simple truth
    that never sits still

    feverish-knocking in the night

    and sadistic lack of
    hope

    cannot deter

    My Sight




    Submitted on 2009-02-07 20:59:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    4: Pretty cool
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    ||| Comments |||
      ayup,

    there's definitely the feel that you are crafting these pieces and I was quite taken by this, in parts, and drawn into the world and mood you describe.

    It doesn't feel refined enough for me yet but I do get the picture that here is someone who will write some startling pieces when she gets all her ducks in a row.

    Actually, that's probably not fair in this instance.

    I think probably the only thing that needs a look is the close. The rhyme is not striking the strong cord I hoped to be left with at theend of the piece. Could be that it's too predictable... or that the phrasing drops off a tad from the high points reached in other parts.

    Play around with the wording and I think you'll know when you hit it.

    | Posted on 2009-12-06 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this. Ive an inbuilt jaundice is a bit akward but not incorrectly written Ive an is just strange sounding. I've could be ommited for a smoother flow but its not necessary.
    "all parts are whole
    existence displaces what I truly know" I love this part it speaks to me; dry leaves rattling on trees as the wind heaves with all it's might.

    "skin shedding philanthropy
    threatens to dis-embowel me"
    I enjoyed the subtly of this not so much a forceful gutting but more of lacking anything to contain oneself. Shattered and mangled ideas force feeding ultimately impeding digestion.
    we are limited only by our minds.
    peace
    thank you
    | Posted on 2009-02-08 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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