Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Seemingly all my faultdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jin Pendragon
    ASL Info:    21/m/Texas
    Elite Ratio:    3.43 - 8/19/9
    Words: 156
    Class/Type: Poetry/Venting
    Total Views: 672
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1045



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSeemingly all my faultdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Forgotten in a shallow grave
    Left to rot
    The days pass quietly
    With but the screams in my head
    Echoing outo f the silence
    Never whispered a single word
    Yet screamed a thousand phrases
    We were never real
    I was standing alone in my fantasy
    While you played your selfish little game
    We were never
    We were wrong
    "WE" did not exist
    And you admit your crimes
    Shrugging them to the forgotten realm
    Where they lay unable to touch your sad little conscience
    Feelings for you
    Are but a fleeting useless toy
    Made only to play with till you're bored
    And without thought, or perhaps out of amusement
    You break
    The mind, The heart
    Leaving it all in pieces
    And I'm sure with a slight laugh
    You'd send it all up in flames
    and happily watch it burn...
    In my ashy grave I turn
    Only wondering
    ... why... how... purpose? - where did I go Wrong?




    Submitted on 2009-02-09 08:12:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Id forgotten about this... it seems so long ago.
    | Posted on 2010-05-15 00:00:00 | by Jin Pendragon | [ Reply to This ]
      Though comments are usually welcomed this was something out of the heart. Had this been a creative piece where I was working my skill Id have greatly appreciated the constructive criticism. Unfortunately this wasn't such a work. I'll have to ask that you don't try and critique this as a work and just express the actual feeling or thought it inspires. I really don't care about the level of skill it took to make it because to me its every bit of important as the poem of the century.
    | Posted on 2009-02-10 00:00:00 | by Jin Pendragon | [ Reply to This ]
      and saying your heart is broke is about as bland as a metophor can get...

    So you might refrain from that one in future.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-02-10 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      "Never whispered a single word
    Yet screamed a thousand phrases
    We were never real
    I was standing alone in my fantasy
    While you played your selfish little game"

    This would be a lovely little write.

    As it stands though,if you read this thing aloud it would be absolutely laughable.

    Consider the tone of voice?

    How silly it would sound given the context,and you should never say something so vague as "the forgotten realm" then just move on without ellaborating.

    I know this is venting but...you should filter out whats important from the filler.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-02-10 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmmm..... I completely forgot the title while I started to read, or I would have been bettered prepared. It seemed it was going one place and then made a sharp turn and b-lined it to another. A few too common ideas and metaphors are used in this piece, but overall it was pretty enjoyable read. Despite what I just said about overused material, no one can ever take this away from you--

    "Never whispered a single word
    Yet screamed a thousand phrases
    We were never real
    I was standing alone in my fantasy
    While you played your selfish little game
    We were never
    We were wrong
    "WE" did not exist
    And you admit your crimes
    Shrugging them to the forgotten realm"

    That is all original and it is near golden. As a whole I say nicely done. I would like to see you work on some clever deliveries for some of you thought, ideas, and feelings though.
    | Posted on 2009-02-09 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      I find it interesting that the title is "seemingly all my fault" and yet in the poem you accuse them of contempt, neglegence, even cruelty. From what you wrote it sounds like they led you on. I suppose it is common for a victim to blame themselves rather than the perpetrator. One would figure the later to be the guilty one.
    | Posted on 2009-02-09 00:00:00 | by nomad knight | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    170944

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry