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    dots Submission Name: Storm of Solitudedots

    Author: Jessa
    ASL Info:    29/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 221/209/73
    Words: 169
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 783
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 975

       It seems I've gotten myself into a one-sided relationship and I'm finding out that chivalry is dead. I will take a bullet for a complete stranger but I can't seem to find someone willing to do it for me. In fact I can't seem to find someone that's even willing to do the small things for me.
    So I try to write about it but my writing skills are definitely lacking lately so feel free to critique as negatively as you want.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStorm of Solitudedots

    Storm clouds roll in as the sun takes cover
    Tears fall like rain, drowning the damage
    Hands float through the dark to find their lover
    Only to grip wounds that have no bandage

    Always alone to fight this wrath
    No one around to keep me dry
    The rain threatens to drown this path
    As long as I breathe, continue to cry

    If this was your storm, you'd beg me to stay
    If this was your storm, I'd carry you through
    I'd hold you close, until night turns to day
    Denying this love was all but true

    But this is my storm and mine alone
    No shelter is offered, nor a paddle for a boat
    I am a rock in a sea of stone
    Once the levy breaks, I will not float

    So easy for me to tend to your needs
    So easy for you to forget my name
    I ask for integrity, while selfishness breeds
    Alone is my pain that drowns in the rain

    Submitted on 2009-02-16 03:45:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I enjoyed this piece, you conveyed the emotions very well and portrayed the picture in my mind to match. I like your writing style here, its a bit laid back but not too simplistic. Rhyming is good and i loved the flow aswell. I have to say this piece also touched me, the part about the hands reaching for unbandaged wounds was brilliant! Indeed this is art and poetry immortalised! Thank you for sharing.
    | Posted on 2009-08-25 00:00:00 | by Clayman | [ Reply to This ]
      Jessa, you have amazing work here. I cannot begin to describe how just reading this opened me up to the emotions portrayed in this piece. I would like to point out, however, that in the last stanza, you rhymed a bit excessively. Mostly just due to the fact that the last line had a rhyme of it's own, while the last word also rhymed with the last word 2 lines before. Just pointing that out. I do not mean that it's bad. You have a great gift for writing, and, in fact, you have gotten me into the mood to write. Again, great job, I loved it! Keep it up and take care!

    | Posted on 2009-06-15 00:00:00 | by Dreamer5009 | [ Reply to This ]
      You have done well with this Jessa. It has a good structure and a good rhythmn and rhyme scheme. It is on a difficult subject to convey, and you have done well with the idea.
    | Posted on 2009-02-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I know you've asked for a negative critique (maybe partly due to the way you felt when writing this?) but the only part I didn't like was "Tears fall like rain" due it's over use in poetry of this nature.

    Other than that I enjoyed it and with your comment of what inspired it, I understood and appreciated it all the more.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2009-02-18 00:00:00 | by chilliboy | [ Reply to This ]

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