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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Desiredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 79/97/96
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 633
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 617



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDesiredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Faraway you seem to be
    Yet your face appears before me
    Staining my mind with gentle gestures
    speckled with treasure
    Is this love?


    Wanting you here
    Wishing you close
    Waiting for your kiss to land, but not upon my cheek


    Innocent thoughts
    Turn into something more devilish and sure
    Confidence and sexiness simultaneously opens a door
    Leading to a world
    Of delicious skin


    Protected and secured until our bodies meet
    Then an only then
    Will it be their turn to speak




    Submitted on 2009-02-16 18:28:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is much better! I felt like you tried to actually portray some real emotion in this one and you've done it pretty well with a couple of real nice lines

    "Staining my mind with gentle gestures
    speckled with treasure"

    That was my favourite, I like this piece and shows the desire and expectations from someone you love or want to love you. Couple of small points...


    Last stanza line 2 "an" should probably be and?
    Stanza 2 line 3 instead of "me" maybe my?

    but other than that you have a good piece here and I think you concentrate more on writing like this than the other three that you posted beforehand as you are better at it in my opinion.

    Nice write,

    Danny
    | Posted on 2009-02-17 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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