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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crinkling Whitedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    5.82 - 73/57/63
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 76
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 919



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrinkling Whitedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Crunching, crunching, crunching
    Down the street
    White crinkling snow covers my feet
    Breathing in and out, my breath whitier than the sky
    Blown against my freezing hands
    As people pass me by

    A hand holds mine, bigger and stronger
    With hair dusted across
    Filling me with warmth of another kind
    Squeezing at it slightly
    I am happy

    Crunching, crunching, crunching
    Down the street we go
    Our destination; unknown
    Thumb against hand, hand against thunb
    My lips against yours should be a song

    A song of love
    A song of lust
    A song of whispered desires and looks

    A fleeting smile a gentle glance
    As my hand is released
    Time to go
    Time to stop looking into your eyes
    For I do not wish for you to see
    My sorrowful goodbye




    Submitted on 2009-02-17 02:09:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Right then. I have to say I thought this wasn't bad. Your use of words, imagery etc.

    I love the onomatopoeia and how you repeat it later on ("crunch, crunch, crunch"), nice idea.

    "White crinkling snow covers my feet" was prob my fav line. Original and descriptive. "crinkling" is a really lovely word to say!

    I think you expressed yourself very well in this piece and I think this is its strong point.

    Now, remember you did ask for "nitpicking details", so here goes:

    First of all "whitier"? I am not familiar with this word, did you mean "whiter"?

    Secondly, I have a major problem with the poem's structutre.

    You start off in the first stanza, as if you intend it to rhyme and scan, but it doesn't really flow. What would work is this:

    Crunching, crunching,
    Down the street,
    White crinkling snow,
    Covers my feet.

    Breathing in and breathing out,
    Breath whiter than the sky,
    Blown against my freezing hands,
    As people pass me by.

    After the first stanza you seem to abandon the idea all together and the meter is quite strange, it seems a bit all-over-the-place.

    Nitpicking aside, I did like this. I thought the content was very good, but what let it down was the meter. I would say either make it flow evenly all the way, or just write it "free style".

    Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm running this down, I did like it.

    Cheers,
    Alexboy :)
    | Posted on 2009-02-18 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]



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