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    dots Submission Name: Februarydots

    Author: AeThe Lost Poet
    ASL Info:    19/M/DE
    Elite Ratio:    3.6 - 147/184/122
    Words: 66
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 642
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 460

       I'm back again anothe short luv write but i try to pack as little as i canin it, hopefully i wasn't too cliché.... was I? idk....

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I will never be the same
    since i spoke your name.
    My heart, love poisoned
    to envoke the pain.
    Vain thoughts accidently,
    slip, drip, fuss
    on the paper, tapered
    written this lists us
    as F, (F?)
    But I hope it's only temporary
    so please swear the hurt
    is only neccesary
    as it reaches my heart
    it only beats barely
    because this too cold
    of a february.....

    Submitted on 2009-02-17 16:59:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think that you have done well, when your profile tells me that english is probably not your first language - for what it's worth, i would quite like to see this written in german here too for as much as anything because that's not my first language and in an odd (or maybe not so) way that might just level the playing field a bit. give it some thought anyway.

    as for the write well i suppose all love poetry is a bit cliché isn't it? but i don't see that as a problem because to me cliché means that it strikes a chord with more people than it doesn't strike one with - and that's not a bad thing...

    i'll jump right in if i may and draft a slightly different version based on the sort of line breaks that as a native english speaker i sort of expect to see:

    I will never be the same having spoken your name
    and my love-poisoned heart invokes such pain.

    Vain thoughts accidently slip;
    and fuss
    on the paper:
    tapered written this lists us
    as F (F?)

    But I hope it's only temporary so please,
    swear the hurt
    is only neccesary
    as it reaches my heart:
    as it only beats barely
    because this is too cold a february...

    see how you get on with the german version and the one above and the one you wrote originally and why not fuse the 3?

    take it easy,

    | Posted on 2009-12-05 00:00:00 | by BillyCasper | [ Reply to This ]

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