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    dots Submission Name: we all wanna change the worlddots

    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 182
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 693
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1134


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots we all wanna change the worlddots

    painted here are the visions of a girl being twirled around in cirlces
    throwing her head back to the crowd so she could see
    distorted faces

    interwoven in the fiber
    multicolored visions of crooked red lips and half moon glimses of tracing skin

    In a splendedly coordinated dance she laughed and grinned at me
    and painted the scene, later
    when she recalled

    It was vibrant past to past
    a thought upon she reacted
    so that today the sun would shine as her face

    and my face would shine back at her

    Like before with the music, she gets dizzy and lost into the stars that surround her
    bright lights, piercing yellows and whites
    mix and mingle with red and grey

    and all time would cease bringing her around to me
    as she revolves around this life

    miracles such as these have happened
    in the pockets of a man walking by
    or between the spaces of a boxspring and a queen

    miracles such as these
    the bitter instinctive taste of her skin

    Submitted on 2009-02-18 19:53:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      So what does the quote from "Revolution" have to do with this?
    | Posted on 2009-03-29 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      the reason i've begun to stalk you is simply because you've got your own voice; your past few pieces are homogenous in their vision and clarity, yet with enough ambiguity, if that makes sense.

    one nitpick:
    "I pondered this lady,
    he thought
    and began to know her"

    i don't think this is needed at all, and in fact, detracts somewhat from the 'flow' you have here. consider taking this part out, hrm? who is "he"? does it matter if there's a second voice here? i don't think so.

    actually, one other thing: i don't think your title is focused enough. it seems... tacked on, if you get me? my questions to you are: what does this poem mean to you overall? what overarching emotion were you feeling when you wrote this? i'm sure the right title will come if you just sit down and quietly think about it a bit more.

    with that said, the mood here is bubbly yet introspective; your love of painting shows through loud and clear, and it's this... backdrop... which gives this poem a very clear focus.

    your closing five lines are what i enjoyed the most here: thoughtful, abstract, yet rooted in reality.

    what else can i say?
    this was a beautifully painted portrait.

    | Posted on 2009-02-25 00:00:00 | by meoww | [ Reply to This ]

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