Incense by lori

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Incense dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	lori_tab
ASL Info:	19/f/alabama
Elite Ratio:	3.99 - 1202/1167/316
Words:	85

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	115
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	518

Description:
Experiment

Incense

-------------------------------------------

full moon breast heave in and out of a cloudy haze
taking deep breaths of this night air
her hair falls and paints folds of shadows down her torso
she dangles
as she moves in and out of our hemisphere
a ball of yarn
our bodies tangled in the sheets of roses
this was a memory
a past that forwards the future

and here draped across the sheets
our love
the present
opening for the morning
like japanese cherry blossom

Submitted on 2009-02-19 02:57:06 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Making whoopee?
| Posted on 2009-03-29 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
Opening thoughts
Your last few bits have made use of the descriptive moon metaphor. Full-moon. Half-moon. If you weren't aware, it should strike you now. Not a terrible thing, it seems to me that you are experimenting with a descriptive thing that you have taken a liking to.

Quick grammar/typo
L1
"breast" => "breasts"
"cloudy smoking" => "cloudy, smoking"

S1
L2
Confuses me, "her hair fell like curtains around her shoulders as she moved in..."
Or, "her hair like curtains around her shoulders as she moved/moves in..."
Would make more sense as far as imagery goes. I may be wrong and would like you to explain how it makes sense.

As for the whole stanza, I could take it as a woman getting "high" literally. I could take it as an image with no drug connection, though the "cloudy smoking haze" supports some form of drug that is smoked.
Or, someone in the sky.
Or, as per the title, incense burning.

S2
L1
I understand this line on a personal level.
L2
"was" is an interesting choice.
Is it a matter of a memory being erased? A matter of the past coming back to the present, thus a memory being the now? Perhaps, as we go to
L3
we could say then that the memory is something the speaker hopes to have again. Something the speaker looks forward to in the future.

S3
Something blossoming, suggests reaching a maturity, and end, or a beginning of something more "juicy" than what was immature.
The love the speaker talks of could be maturing becoming more than simple kid's stuff.
"the present" loses me.

Overall
I've said less than I wanted because I have conflicting views that I can't reconcile one way or another. So I just kind of threw some stuff out there with the thought that I completely misinterpreted this.

On it's own, I'd say very minimalist, just enough to get some idea out there while conntaining the full meaning to yourself. Thus people can see a new love (another possibility of S3), or a young love growing, or a new beginning.

I like how it reads, I like the actual idea I get out of it (which I didn't put down in this). The imagery is simple in a positive way.

There is nothing really wrong with the piece. Simple. Silent. Good. Not great, but definitely good.
| Posted on 2009-02-22 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.