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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A symphonydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 579
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 499



    Description:
       


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    dotsA symphonydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Express. The words that came
    Rushed, agonized, and twisted.
    Finality adjustment, make your choice,
    The latent fire-breathing
    Is pressed onto your window –
    No matter how you correlate
    Beliefs against the scales.

    I’d lift my hand up to the roof
    And watch, alarmed, adjacent to the terror,
    How steam is rising from the icing pond –
    Its bottom littered with last year’s leaves
    As much as with neglected fears.




    Submitted on 2009-03-03 20:52:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is elegantly phrased and I do enjoy how the last half of the poem ties in the imagery and symbolism of the beginning.

    At the same time I also felt that there wasn't enough here.

    I think if there's a problem it lies in the fact that you have water and autumn as well as all this descriptive language. It's an embarrassment of riches in that it obscures the human element.

    If I were you I'd assume that there are many parts of this poem that readers will love and that they would hate to see lost in a revision, but carefully consider that you do need to lay some parts of the poem bare in order that we see the lovers. Once we have a picture of them then we get a sense of what existed and what was lost or encapsulated in the frozen waters of that lake.

    Allow access to that beauty and the tragedy will burn in collective memory.

    I hope to see more of your work.

    DB
    | Posted on 2009-03-04 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is well written,indeed its quite beautifull in places:

    "How steam is rising from the icing pond –
    Its bottom littered with last year’s leaves"

    Yes, and I like the imagery of winter almost evaporating.

    So its a good poem stylistically and creative endevour has obviously been taken,its just...

    I dont know,I suppose I cant connect with you,it doesnt really say anything to me as such,because its almost a little too much on the vague side.

    Still enjoyable to read though.

    Good luck to you

    -Craig

    | Posted on 2009-03-04 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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