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    dots Submission Name: Hopeful Thinkingdots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 399
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 322


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    dotsHopeful Thinkingdots

    I am but a shell of the person you loved
    But that means I'm a shell of the person you left
    And as I change, so do you
    There's a chance that one day who we become
    Will no longer be who we left
    And all that will be left
    Is the person we loved
    My fingers are crossed

    Submitted on 2009-03-04 08:47:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, for me this comes across as a little gutless. heartless, quaint.

    But don't hate me for saying so.

    As it stands I very much like the way this progresses in that it reminds me of a chrysalis and the transformation that occurs there. So rather than express some tepid feelings why don't you take us through that symbolic journey or even tap into the store of potential imagery and phrasing therein.

    As it stands this is plain and nothing grabbed me and made me feel I'd experienced just that same emotion or took me anywhere new.

    The phrasing of the close and particularly "fingers crossed"... well who is that statement ever going to win back? Quite frankly it makes me thing he/she won't even remember who the speaker is.

    You could take this places and layer it with feeling and I hope you do.

    | Posted on 2009-03-04 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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