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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Orphan : Ocean View Mixdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Fizzlethorpe
    ASL Info:    22 | M | Anytown, Amerika
    Elite Ratio:    6.09 - 142/135/81
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 91
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1889



    Description:
       So I basically wanted to write something about waves but not use a lot of waves in the piece...it ended up turning out like this.

    Some bits rise and smash down like a wave and others are a gentle lapping of the tide.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOrphan : Ocean View Mixdots
    -------------------------------------------


    face like a shipwreck,
    looking like a shark stew
    a seaside buffet -
    an "all you can feast" affair.

    wore surprise like make-up,

    (first prize in the understatement awards)

    the faltering poise was a playing card estate
    caught in the earthquake of mortified plates
    the kind resting just beneath the surface
    of hibernating thoughts...

    and since fractured things congregate
    the address has changed to 'junkyard boulevard'.

    This is what happens when ambition smashes
    into the rocks of reality; every penny dreadful
    rag reads "Pride of the fleet swallowed by the sea!"
    in headlines worth their weight in bronze covered
    dreams...

    "...today, from the lighthouse, survivors were seen
    drifting out along the waves; away from the debris."

    Seems that everyone wants to stampede away
    in a herd of nightmares, gluttons salivating
    over prime morsels of fear.

    Every set of eyes open wide matches the vapid nature
    of sudden experts on the subject of atrocity,
    instructors in public universities eager to lecture
    on the length of lament who know nothing so well
    as the spacious interiors of their skulls
    but try so hard to stuff them full with scraps
    and crumbs and assorted sundries but nothing
    at all resembling a point...

    but even if they could the syllables would be
    punctured by the thorny nature of idiocy

    "...though the spectres patrolling the sea bed
    declined to be interviewed,
    one response haunts like a poltergeist;
    'the goodly captain should've left the ship
    and chanced it with the dinghy'".




    Submitted on 2009-03-05 18:41:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      I love your mixture of sea words against the modern world.

    And, just because, some of my favorites:

    Seems that everyone wants to stampede away
    in a herd of nightmares

    wore surprise like make-up

    the faltering poise was a playing card estate
    caught in the earthquake of mortified plates


    It seems as though this stanza:

    Every set of eyes open wide matches the vapid nature
    of sudden experts on the subject of atrocity,
    instructors in public universities eager to lecture
    on the length of lament who know nothing so well
    as the spacious interiors of their skulls
    but try so hard to stuff them full with scraps
    and crumbs and assorted sundries but nothing
    at all resembling a point...</I>

    When I first read this as I progressed the lines seemed to run together, almost forcing me to read them quickly...but after reading a few more times and then just now they flow better. Maybe it's just that the last five lines seem to run on and on? I'll have to read it again later to see if my confused thoughts on that change.

    As I keep rereading I think I see the waves.

    I'll come back to this later.
    | Posted on 2009-05-19 00:00:00 | by Agent V. | [ Reply to This ]
      So did you really want to write about actual waves, or more in the figurative sense, because honestly, I do not see waves at all. This is what I saw in this poem. Maybe I used the tile, too, but I got someone who was borne from the world, and wanted to succeed from the world, but then got abandoned by the world. So I guess it could be about waves, in the sense of riding one. I went wave jumping once, and sometimes, something pulls you under, and then the wave goes on without you. But then another one comes, and you ride that wave long enough until something pulls you under again, and that waves goes on without you. You could say, then, that the poem ends happily, because each wave leads you further away from the shore, with things already build on it, leaving you to make do with the water. I guess that could be a failure as well, though. At the end, I get the feel that you were saying that he shouldn't have embarked for success so grandly, and with such confidence as the ship, and used the dinghy instead, which I guess can't hold as much of his pride as the ship can. Don't take all of you with you when you got out into the world.

    Explain to me the third to last stanza. Were they "successful", but their heads were only full of water?
    Thanks.
    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2009-03-05 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]



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