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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Remnet 1rst draftdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tmckenzie89
    ASL Info:    019/male/Alabama
    Elite Ratio:    2.66 - 8/12/5
    Words: 466
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 570
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 2498



    Description:
       this is what i have on a story im writing. im thinking about making it a graphic novel


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Remnet 1rst draftdots
    -------------------------------------------


    April 25, 1928 Hell's kitchen New York.

    Eric’s eyes jolted open. He was in reality again. At least that’s what it seemed to be so far. The lunar glow from of the late evening illuminated the trashy apartment just enough for Eric to see that there was no danger. But to this poor beaten wanderer there wasn’t any such thing as “no danger”.
    He could feel the evil priest’s presence growing stronger each day, no, each hour. And this nightmare he just had didn’t help things one bit. The sights, sounds, and smells, all retained their potency. It was as if time itself had returned him to the dark caverns, were he received the mark.
    Eric suddenly gripped his chest in agony. Just thinking about the mark made the burning intensify. He could still feel the rusty blade carve into his flesh, as if the priest himself had returned to finish the job. Something that Eric had spent the last twenty- two years trying to prevent.
    He rose from the cot, taking in the full scent of old sweat and fresh urine. The old wooden floor creaked loudly as his feet pressed against. This of course startled Eric for a moment, but he continued towards the bathroom. His eyes dashed from wall to wall. His breathing became heavier. The priests aura was all around him it seemed.
    Eric reached the doorway to the water closet. Before him was a mirror that cast a slight reflection of himself. For a moment he examined his strange ruddy silhouette, then reached for the chain that dangled above. A brilliant burst of light forced his pupils to quickly retreat into his eyelids. Slowly and painfully they rose, peering into the mirror. Eric suddenly let out a short yelp as he whirled around.
    The hair on Eric’s arms and neck stood up straight. His heart began to pound loudly. Tears weld up in his sockets. “He was there… I seen him… I know I seen him” The room, however, was still and quiet. Eric was alone in his apartment. His heart began to slow and his breathing returned to normal.
    He turned to the mirror once more and examined his chest. There lied the burning insignia and the black veins that spread all over his torso. Twisting every which way, in every direction. Killing the hair that tried to grow.
    The unrelenting pain triggered his memories of that evening. The evening his papa was murdered. Forcing him to hear his fathers agonizing screams once more. And then hearing his own shortly after.




    Submitted on 2009-03-08 08:36:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hm. Interesting. You can tell there's something going on beneath the surface. I like the aloofness. However, you got to keep in mind, that, as readers, we can't see into the world you see unless you tell it to us. I understand completely how when you're writing a story, the thoughts get ahead of the story, because your busy planning it out in your head. Of course, the readers don't know what's going on in your head, unless they're super heros with mind reading abilities. Sadly, not all of us are.


    Still, I like it.


    I'm not saying you got to tell us everything right off the bat, just feed us a bit at at time. You know what I'm saying?

    <3 Sweets
    | Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      In part one you have not allowed me the courtesy as a reader to know what all the commotion was for Erick to be in such a state of dishevelment. To know such is an important part of a reader's enjoyment and not having to guess what the prologue was. You should have an introduction or a Chapter I , to bring the reader up to date so the reader can become more involved in the unfolding story.
    I would like to know what Eric had been doing for twenty some years after the event. Without this info I feel cheated in not knowing what is the nature of this guy and the terrible life onslaughts attendant to his behavior in those entervening years. What kind of person was his father? This is an important aspect which could have influenced Eric. To supply this absent and much needed material the story would be more complete and plausible.
    | Posted on 2009-03-10 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there. Welcome to ES! Glad we met. Thanks for the invite to evaluate your story line. I will read the 2nd part as soon as my internet start to respond again. The first part was well writ and did read ok. Here in South Africa in the Gauteng (Transvaal) High Feld area internet-comms are weak and fragile. Where I live anyhow.
    Will chat again. Keep well. Joachim
    | Posted on 2009-03-09 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very graphic. I like the way you have written this, lots of strong words and imagery used. However, critiquing this would be very difficult at this stage because it is very obviously incomplete and abrupt. You can probably go far from this if you continue writing this, and I'd like to read it as /if you go ahead with it. Generally it was a bit too dramatic for my liking but I have nothing against the style you used to express yourself. Well written. And avoid using chatspeak on the site since I'm guessing you know how to spell words like 'wat' properly. Oh, also to get people to comment on your work, you should comment on theirs. Most people do return the favour. I'm just rambling on to increase my word count now so I'm going to stop.

    Keep writing,


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2009-03-09 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Very descriptive throughout which helped to place me present in the story. It seemed that it was just enough and not overdone so good job.

    I liked the set up in the beginning, "He was in reality again. At least that’s what it seemed to be so far", which made me want to see this develop and expect a turn somewhere. Just that would get me to the next chapter.

    I had a bit of a heart rate rise when Eric "seen him" and when you related the pain of the mark to the loss and pain of someone close That was cool, sad and scarey.

    Overall, great beginning I can't wait to see where it goes.
    | Posted on 2009-03-08 00:00:00 | by Kuuipo | [ Reply to This ]


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