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    dots Submission Name: The Remnant 1rst draft (part 2)dots

    Author: Tmckenzie89
    ASL Info:    019/male/Alabama
    Elite Ratio:    2.66 - 8/12/5
    Words: 349
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 578
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1896

       this is a continuation of my story, hope u enjoy. please give me some critique

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Remnant 1rst draft (part 2)dots

    “Papa?” Eric whispered, wiping the moisture from his cheek. “Why did this have to happen… to me?” His lips quivered, the tears could no longer be retained. He broke. The sink below the mirror greeted his hands as he collapsed to the floor. Eric held himself up for a moment then released his grip from the sink.
    He lied there whimpering, mumbling questions that couldn’t be answered. Fate, it seemed, had brought him to the breaking point of his emotions. He felt he was no longer in control, or was never in control. He was a victim of fate. As was his father.
    Eric screamed as the mark began burning him once more. He howled in misery, kicking a hole in the adjacent wall. “Oh God!” he whaled. “Why is this happening to me?” The pain remained relentless. He screamed through his gritted teeth. Moments pass, and it showed no signs of letting up. Eric felt as that this would go on for eternity.
    “Please… please make it stop!” he cried. But his cries remained unanswered. It seemed to be getting worse. “Please!” Nothing. There was no one listening it seemed. “Fine!” Eric exclaimed. “I’ll stop it myself!” Eric picked himself up off the floor while holding his chest. He stumbled out of the water closet into the darkness.
    There was a 38’ sitting on the vanity next to his cot. He snatched it, and without hesitation held the pistol against his temple. Eric’s finger began to slowly squeeze the trigger. He could hear the hammer rise, and the chambers rotate. Eric closed his eyes preparing for the shot. Soon it would all be over.
    A loud bang erupted in the room, causing Eric’s body to jolt violently. His eyes opened and he was greeted once more with the slummy excuse for an apartment. Eric lowered the gun from his head and seen the hammer was still extended, and that just enough breeze of wind would cause a round to discharge.

    Submitted on 2009-03-09 08:11:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||

    I like the story line. I think with a little more thought. A little more ...OOMPH...it'd make a great story. It seems to be moving a little too fast for my liking. I want some background. I want some twists.

    | Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      I read part 1 and this second part also. You have done well to provide the reader a wealth of detail, which is important in written story telling. The reader is totally dependent on the writer for details in written material, as in the real world, a wealth of information is automatically passed on by sight, sounds, smells, setting, mood, etc, but in a short story or novel, this detail has to be provided by the writer.

    I am assuming that there will be further installments that bring in the beginning, so the reader knows what important things happened preceeding which brought Eric to his present state, and further that it will lead towards a story conclusion.
    | Posted on 2009-03-10 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it. It could use a lil' work, based around details I suppose. But it was good.

    I was confused by the "Suicide" Though. What's up there, because he fires, but he's alive...?
    | Posted on 2009-03-09 00:00:00 | by 3L3m3ntal | [ Reply to This ]
      soooo.... i am probably the last person you want to critique, but i will give it a go. just thoughts here... not insight (sorry)

    on the first part of the story, the mark reminded me of the tree tattoo on the guy in the show carnivale... not sure if you have ever seen it... it was a good vs. evil show with a whole lotta other weird/strange/interesting stuff mixed in.

    anyhoo... the fact that it (the mark) grows or is changing is interesting to me.

    idk, i think the story line is kinda neato. though you only get bits and pieces of what is going on; though i suppose when all the parts are in place it will fill the readers in. i didn't discontinue reading, if that tells ya anything.

    i like the fact that the wind brought about an unexpected change. it just makes me think that everything has a reason/purpose. and when things happen to change a course it kinda solidifies such things.

    not much to say otherwise. sorry i am not much help. keep writing and enjoy the process. keep posting so we can find out what happens on the other side. (smile).
    | Posted on 2009-03-09 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]

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