I know that I should have written this letter years ago...but for some reason I couldn't. I always had some excuse...whether it was pride or I just "never had enough time". Looking back I realize that I was just stupid... inconsiderate... ungrateful... and I just took you forgranted.
Baby, I love you. I love you with every part of my heart and soul. From the very first time that I actually got to talk to you, I knew that I loved you. I knew in my heart-of-hearts that I would never feel the same about anyone else.
I remember the time we went to UPS/PLU and we spent the whole time in the middle of the bus just cuddling. I remember how everyone tried to talk to us but we would give them one word answers(if we decided to answer back at all) because we were too caught up in each other to actually care what anyone else had to say. I remember how confused everyone was because we went into Powell's bookstore holding hands. Or do you remember skipping our debate rounds so that we could talk? Ahhhh... Dr. Rice and Keith were so angry but, we just didn't care. This was the weekend that they found the blood clot in my mom's leg. I was so scared. And while everyone else was off having a good time, you sat there holding me...just listening to all my fears.
Or what about the time when you were "sick" and stayed home from school. Then someone told you that I had a bad day and you showed up in the middle of jazz choir practice. Do you remember? I do.. as though it were yesterday. I remember how you waltzed into the room as though you owned the place. Mr Elliott was NOT happy with you disturbing our rehearsal. But you didn't care. You walked through everyone to get to the middle of the risers. You told me that everything was going to okay, that you would make everything okay. I didn't believe that you could, but you did. You did everything in your power to make me happy.
Oh, babe. I remember the blog you wrote on xanga. It was a rant but right in the middle you started talking about how we had just met but how you loved me. I remember thinking, "Wow. He really does care." We got so close so fast.
We had some amazing times babyboy!! We really did. I wish to this day that I never would have pushed you away. THat I would have held as tightly as I could... but, neither of us worked that way.
I can still recall the time I saw you at Barker when you came to pick someone up. I hadn't seen you in well over a year. I remember thinking that I was crazy for thinking that I saw you. But it was you. I remember how I YELLED, "Mason, babe?" down the hall. You turned to me with that perfect smile and said, " Dre! I love you... I've missed you." I still remember how it felt as I ran to you and you wrapped your arms around me and swung me around. I will never forget all of the emotions that I felt that day. Feelings of sadness, disappointment(at myself for pushing you away), and of course rage(again, towards myself)... but at the same time I remember the love, the admiration, and the closeness that I felt. As soon as we said two words to each other I realized that we were still "us"....this would never change, that much was evident.
That was the last time I actually saw you. That thought kills me inside. I always asked people how you were doing, but I never took the time to ask *you*!I thought about you (as I still do on a daily basis). But at this point you had your life and I had mine. I don't know why I was stupid enough to think that our lives couldn't intertwine. To this day I don't have a single reason to justify letting my best friend go and now I will never have him back.
Mason, I wish I could have just told you everything that I was feeling... I wish I could tell you how important you really were, and are, to my life. I was too proud to wear my heart on my sleeve but now I wish I had.
Mason, without you my sky has no stars. No glittering little piece that makes me continue to believe that wished may still come true.
Without you in my life it seems that I am writing novel but all there is, is blank pages that never begin and never really end.
... It's as though someone took every particle of love from my being and burned it until it was no long recognizable.
... I feel as though every time you spoke I had lyrics pour from my heart and now they've vanished.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that without you here I feel like I'm no longer whole... Like you took half of me with you.
I have always loved you, I will always love you and I'm sorry that it took me all this time to tell you.
Love you more than anything Mason.
You're forever in my heart and soul,
Love you DreDre