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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Raining Blooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Gmann2
    ASL Info:    20/m/wa
    Elite Ratio:    1.93 - 5/3/55
    Words: 173
    Class/Type: Prose/Satire
    Total Views: 78
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1218



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRaining Blooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Eyes of black demise
    Lips of Satan’s delight
    Anger sparks like fire
    Warring in the night
    Hands of solid strength
    Heart of heavy stones
    Serpents in my head
    Demons in my bones
    Tongue of forks and knives
    Soul of broken ice
    Throat of kerosene wishes
    Constricted with my vice
    Tears of ashy splendor
    Flake like rotting snow
    Down my leather cheeks
    That in the moon doth glow
    Arms are opened wide
    Face turned toward the sky
    Mouth agape and trembling
    Catching droplets as they fly
    The water hits my tongue
    Like a tainted copper flood
    ‘Tis not water raining down
    But shining drops of blood!
    Clouds are swirling menaces
    The thunder, it doth ring
    I’m playing in the puddles
    And the darkness hears me sing:
    “It’s raining, it’s pouring,
    The red-stained Dove is soaring
    He once was spry, but now he’ll die
    Hear Hell’s demons roaring!”
    Life is tainted
    The world is painted
    The eerie colour of death
    The torture I’ll flee
    By the crimson sea
    And give the waves my final breath!




    Submitted on 2009-03-09 23:07:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well done, i think in this case the rhyming works to enhance the subject rather than detracts from it. i little bit of an old tale sort of vibe which one doesn't always see outside specialized pieces which was nice. there were just a couple bits i think if you looked at again you might be able to tighten up

    "The red-stained Dove is soaring" unless you were looking for extra syllables 'red-stained' is a rather week term for this line, crimson-scarlet-vermilion- sanguinary or something of the sort would make the line a lot more vivid

    while the physical description in the first half the poem are eloquent i'm not sure how they act to move the action of the poem forward. just a thought

    anyway a better write then most i've come across lately!
    | Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]


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