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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Othersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jessa
    ASL Info:    29/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.73 - 221/209/73
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 516
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1021



    Description:
       Did you ever feel like everyone around you was a completely different species and you must be the last of your kind? Nothing seems real anymore...friendships, family, relationships, promises, secrets. Nothing is sacred. Integrity is dead.

    Couldn't come up with a good title...little help please!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Othersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I exist in the mirror where I am alone
    I exist within weight upon this stone
    I stand before you as flesh and bone
    Yet I only exist to those unknown

    Unspoken tears unaccounted for
    Know nothing of this path, nor of this door
    Yet I keep going, despite how much more
    Louder are the demons I choose to ignore

    Pulled from my home... my only domain
    Surrounded by difference, yet they're all the same
    No one can see me, for they know not of my name
    Diagnosed "Anti-social" for society's blame

    The 'others' keep walking with their plastic smiles
    Jogging high heels through divorce trials
    Happiness in a bag that's packed with denial
    Put on THESE shoes and walk for a mile

    For I only exist when there's no one around
    I only exist if I cannot be found
    Hog-tied and bound, buried in the ground
    I only exist when I make no sound




    Submitted on 2009-03-11 01:44:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Thoughtful poem Jessa, about feeling outside life somehow. Your poem's lines are mostly 4 ft and fully rhymed, a good job. Some parts fail to maintain your 4 ft, but could easily made to agree with the bulk of the poem. eg:-

    S.1.3 Standing before you as flesh and bone,
    L.4 Yet only exist to those unknown.
    S2.L.3 Yet I keep going, -- can I take any more?
    S3.L.3 No one sees me, nor knows my name.
    L.4 'Anti social, and society's to blame.
    S4 L.3 Happiness a bag, packed with denial.

    Just suggestions Jessa, but you should punctuate for the work to be fully appreciated. Ted
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      A very good poem. I was taken aback by the perfect rhyme in the first stanza, and then amazed as it continued through the rest of the poem.

    I also belive that the person to previously comment on this poem was extremely rude, to point out one minor grammatical error, and not even mention any of the good qualities of the poem.


    I wish i could say more, but i have to go.


    Best of luck
    Channie
    | Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by dthforeverpain8 | [ Reply to This ]
      You mean denial not "denile"...right?
    | Posted on 2009-03-11 00:00:00 | by mattdems | [ Reply to This ]


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