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    dots Submission Name: The Remnant first draft part 3dots

    Author: Tmckenzie89
    ASL Info:    019/male/Alabama
    Elite Ratio:    2.66 - 8/12/5
    Words: 695
    Class/Type: Story/Dark
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 3713

       Hey guys this is part three. I would like to say first off thank you so much for reading my story. second those of you who gave comments and critique I thank you guys even more. third, I have a request. If u have read through all three parts and you are enjoying the story would you please let me know by either commenting or giving a vote. I want to make sure i let you guys know when future parts are coming out. Im saying all of this because you guys are really my motivation, and the main reason i continue working on this project. Im having a blast writing this because im along for the ride like u guys are. sure i know the story, but im actually writing this stuff as I go, and i post the new stuff whenever im finnished. But anyways Thanks again for reading my story and for your wonderful encouragement. enjoy part 3... please

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Remnant first draft part 3dots

    Eric made sure the gun was as safe as it could be; the he tossed it on the urine soaked cot. Sweat trickled down Eric’s nose. His heart had once again picked up its pace. He was a truly broken man. Here at thirty-two years of age, he had crossed the line of sorrow and became suicidal. “This isn’t what pop would have wanted for me. It’s not what he had planned.” Eric said to himself, brushing away the sweat on his forehead. The room was silent. Even the street was silent below his only window. All was calm. Then it hit him. The mark was no longer burning.
    A sigh of relief came from Eric’s lips, then a slight chuckle. This always happens every once in awhile. The pain would flare up then die down. And Eric wouldn’t even notice the sudden change. But never has it been so strong. Why? Why would the pain be getting worse?
    Eric sat down on the cot, relaxing himself as he tried to forget the moment of pure agony. He looked over on the vanity where the stolen pocket watch laid. 2:35. The sun was still hours away from rising. Plenty of time to rest. But thanks to tonight’s events, he would wait for the sun that always seemed to comfort him most.
    But just as his mind began to ease, Eric remembered something. “That loud bang. That loud bang that I thought was the gun. It…came from…” Eric shook his head nervously, trying to remember. “It sounded like it was all over the room. But it had to of came from somewhere inside the room…”
    Suddenly Eric spied the curtain less window. “… or outside.”
    Eric stood up from the cot, keeping his eyes focused on the window. Obviously someone or something struck the glass hard enough to stop Eric from killing himself, but also gently enough not to break it. But his room was on the second floor. Someone must have thrown something.
    Eric walked across the apartment, trying not to trip over any of the garbage that surrounded his feet. A strange feeling came over him. Not one of fear like he had felt before, but comfort. The kind only his father could give. Although the feeling was pleasant it disturbed Eric. His father was dead. Killed by the dark priest with the same knife used to crave the mark.
    When he reached the window, a chilling breeze touched his bare skin. This was very strange considering it was late April. But what was even stranger was when Eric looked down towards the street below and seen nothing but a thick smoky fog. There was no trace of any parked cars or fire hydrants. Even the bottom half of streetlights were cut of by the seemingly unnatural mist.
    “What in the name of…” Eric’s eyes landed on the alley next to the butcher’s shop across the street. The fog slowly retreated from the alley and made the ground in that area clearly visible. The rest of the street however, remained covered. A chill went up Eric’s spine as he seen a shadow in the alley.
    The shadow suddenly moved towards the misty street. Then a figure emerged from the alley. A man. Tall, round-shouldered, dressed in a casual black suit and a nice hat. The man stopped at the alley’s entrance and with the most strange and frightening countenance glared up at Eric.
    “No…. no… it cant be him… it cant.” Eric slowly backed away from the window still staring into the man’s eyes. “God help me… please god… help me.” Eric’s words turned to sobs. His face began to contort, tears streamed down his cheeks. He then approached the window again expecting to no longer see the man standing there. But he was there, still staring up at Eric. He had not moved nor, had is face changed. Eric placed his hand on the glass and spoke aloud one word. “Papa.”

    Submitted on 2009-03-11 07:59:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm anxious to see what effect will the vision of "papa" have on Eric. I'm leaning towards it having a beneficial one. After all spectres only appear when some life turning event is about to happen. I see you have improved with your syntax. You aren't using as many of those cursed "ands". Your sentences aren't laboriously long in this part 3. Which did make my read more enjoyable. I like the interior agitation you are building. I wondered why there is garbage in the room. Did you mean it as an untidy appearance ? As you say these are drafts, I won't be too critical of the story to date as to its untidiness
    | Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      That's good, really good. I'm impressed with the development about how he was close to his father.
    Yet, I would've at the end, had Eric rub his eyes or something, because it is 2:35 in the morning, so he could've thought he was delirious. Also, the establishment... Make it feel like it's actually that early, explain the exhaustion, and the environment.
    | Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by 3L3m3ntal | [ Reply to This ]
      First off, thanks for the welcome to ES. Now onto your story... Its definatly very original and imaginative so far, but there are some errors you should look over. I noticed you've put 'seen' often when it should be 'saw' and thats in more than just the last draft. There were some other grammatical errors and spelling errors as well. So you might want to just read carefully through it, or paste it onto word and let it show you some of the mistakes.
    This is an intriguing story though, keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2009-03-11 00:00:00 | by TheHidden | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there. Well this reads well and I am beginning to see the picture.
    I will suggest that you mention Erick’s name once and further in the same context relate to him as only “he” and so forth because he is obviously alone in the room.
    More that that – well where is number 4? Regards Joachim.
    | Posted on 2009-03-11 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]

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