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    dots Submission Name: Trade Defecitdots

    Author: wewak11
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 3436/3630/329
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 818
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1582


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrade Defecitdots

    The critics said the movie was unreal,
    and guaranteed to make a grown man cry,
    I walked up to the booth and did a deal,
    I swapped the man a ticket for my tie.

    On Thursday night my landlord came around,
    he wanted two months rent arrears from me,
    itís lucky that he loved my Afghan hound,
    we did a deal and now I live rent-free.

    A guy came to the door the other day,
    he said I needed his insurance plan,
    I quite agreed and signed up right away,
    the premium: my stainless frying pan.

    I took a taxi cab to KFC,
    the driver was a black man from Zaire,
    he looked like he could use a meal to me,
    I took him out a snack box for the fare.

    The waitress didnít seem to like my style,
    insisting that I pay my bill in cash,
    she looked like she could really use a smile,
    I paid her with a half a gram of hash.

    The other day I went to see a shrink,
    he told me I was drinking too much scotch,
    his fee was fifty bucks, I caused a stink,
    he settled for my old Bugs Bunny watch.

    A real old-fashioned circus came to town,
    my friends and I were broke and couldnít go.
    but then I made a contract with a clown,
    he got my shoes, we saw the midday show.

    This Wall Street crisis could be over now,
    I bet that I could make the crashes stop,
    they need to listen Ė I can show them how:
    Donít pay for stuff with money Ė simply swap!

    Submitted on 2009-03-12 04:12:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Yassah, funny as usual, but it is not up to your usual standard, --- I've been spoiled by seeing so much of your past work. Just great to see you posting here. Cheers Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Comedy-wise, I did not laugh. I think trying to keep the rhyme, the meter, and attempting a joke did not work out for you. Some of the rhyme seemed forced, and the jokes were like that of middle schoolers.
    Honestly, you can break your rhyme scheme. Especially if you get more comedy in return. Meter is not that important when your goal is to make people smile. I got the feeling you weren't smiling as you wrote this, like you worked too hard. Probably because the tone of an iambic pentameter is usually not comedic, and it takes quite an effort to actually make 32 lines of it. Trust me, I went through a stage of what I thought was good comedy, both in poetry and real life.

    If you insist on meter, though, I'd suggest iambic quatrimeter. Like this stanza.

    On Thursday night my landlord came,
    he wanted two months rent from me,
    itís lucky that he loved my hound,
    because now I live here rent-free.

    I think it flows a little better.
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]
      funny as always! what brings you back here?
    | Posted on 2009-03-12 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

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