[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Trade Defecitdots

    Author: wewak11
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 3436/3630/329
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Poetry/Comedy
    Total Views: 848
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1582


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTrade Defecitdots

    The critics said the movie was unreal,
    and guaranteed to make a grown man cry,
    I walked up to the booth and did a deal,
    I swapped the man a ticket for my tie.

    On Thursday night my landlord came around,
    he wanted two months rent arrears from me,
    itís lucky that he loved my Afghan hound,
    we did a deal and now I live rent-free.

    A guy came to the door the other day,
    he said I needed his insurance plan,
    I quite agreed and signed up right away,
    the premium: my stainless frying pan.

    I took a taxi cab to KFC,
    the driver was a black man from Zaire,
    he looked like he could use a meal to me,
    I took him out a snack box for the fare.

    The waitress didnít seem to like my style,
    insisting that I pay my bill in cash,
    she looked like she could really use a smile,
    I paid her with a half a gram of hash.

    The other day I went to see a shrink,
    he told me I was drinking too much scotch,
    his fee was fifty bucks, I caused a stink,
    he settled for my old Bugs Bunny watch.

    A real old-fashioned circus came to town,
    my friends and I were broke and couldnít go.
    but then I made a contract with a clown,
    he got my shoes, we saw the midday show.

    This Wall Street crisis could be over now,
    I bet that I could make the crashes stop,
    they need to listen Ė I can show them how:
    Donít pay for stuff with money Ė simply swap!

    Submitted on 2009-03-12 04:12:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Yassah, funny as usual, but it is not up to your usual standard, --- I've been spoiled by seeing so much of your past work. Just great to see you posting here. Cheers Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      Comedy-wise, I did not laugh. I think trying to keep the rhyme, the meter, and attempting a joke did not work out for you. Some of the rhyme seemed forced, and the jokes were like that of middle schoolers.
    Honestly, you can break your rhyme scheme. Especially if you get more comedy in return. Meter is not that important when your goal is to make people smile. I got the feeling you weren't smiling as you wrote this, like you worked too hard. Probably because the tone of an iambic pentameter is usually not comedic, and it takes quite an effort to actually make 32 lines of it. Trust me, I went through a stage of what I thought was good comedy, both in poetry and real life.

    If you insist on meter, though, I'd suggest iambic quatrimeter. Like this stanza.

    On Thursday night my landlord came,
    he wanted two months rent from me,
    itís lucky that he loved my hound,
    because now I live here rent-free.

    I think it flows a little better.
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]
      funny as always! what brings you back here?
    | Posted on 2009-03-12 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Push written by JanePlane
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Giving written by jjd
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Incubus written by monad
    This written by Chelebel
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    To written by SavedDragon
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]