Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Scars of Livelihood: South Africa


Author: SilentDreams42
Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 38 /30 /42
Words: 278
Class/Type: Poetry /Passion
Total Views: 924
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1743



Description:


pride is something that never dies; it thrives within our hearts

wrote this for my english class

any suggestions?


Scars of Livelihood: South Africa



Gold Digger for the World,
Avocado Picker, Distributor of Wine,
Player in Trade and the Continent’s Business Man;
Strong, sensitive, competitive,
Country of the Rising Sun:



They tell me that you are feeble and I believe them, for I have seen your poverty of the single mothers and orphans alike.

And they tell me that you are a criminal and I answer: Yes, it is true. I have seen the wicked attack with no retaliation, with no karma.

And they tell me you are grim and my reply is: On the streets and in the empty neighborhoods I have seen the solemn abandonment.

And having answered so I turn once more to those who look down upon my country, but I keep my head up and say to them:

Come and display another country with legs of steel running without a single stop, staying determined and unafraid.

Display another country who screams out in painful empowerment amid the vast soccer fields of diversity and negativity.



Ferocious as a lion with an enormous mane, roaring with great power at life’s obstacles,

Cunning,
Strong,
Controlled,
Prepared,
Determined,
Tearing down, building up

Dodging the bullets, perspiration running, screaming out in pain,

Dodging the bullets of judgment, perspiration still running, screaming out in perseverance,



Crying out to the rest of the world, my lonesome country will never give up.
My country, with legs of steel, will never quit.
My country will excel; South Africa will succeed.




Submitted on 2009-03-13 00:44:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  wicked. i likes the hope.


| Posted on 2009-04-03 00:00:00 | by WD-40 | [ Reply to This ]
  You could say I have a fascination with Africa since I'm a kiwi that grew up on meat, potatoes and a return to the boks v all black rival and who is a huge Wilbur Smith fan. Not to mention Nelson Mandela.

"Something always dies when the lion feeds, but there is meat for those who follow."

Of course these are outside views but all this to say that I have a sense of the place and where you are coming from.

So I would say that you need to cut down what you have here and I think you can do that by repeating just a fraction of some of the lines you do repeat and looking at suggesting through out the piece by spreading key words and peppering it with these hints of the lion and legs of steel. By all means mention them directly but briefly and then let that association and word association aid you as you turn to describe other things. National pride and pain comes through strongly in this piece and that's a powerful thing. Still, it's already better than anything I would have written in school, with all the distractions of girls and rugby balls.... but then I imagine Africa demands your attention in a way NZ doesn't and for the people back home I hope it always remains that way.

DB
| Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



172077