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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pacifica Gwendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 265
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 802
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1627



    Description:
       Not finished...about a girl, lots of lucky guys in Monterey, CA...but she's still my baby...we'll see when i finish it, or if icontinue it some other twist...i dunno, readin a LOT of Kerouac is all i can say...thats it. its weird. comments welcome, just...well, no stupid ones. latah~me


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    dotsPacifica Gwendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Gwen would ya go down to the beach with me
    She's already there, made it cuz she was
    sore A trip a party, maybe
    Like a slip to the rocks
    and tell me is she someone's baby
    That time in Monterey was real low
    and calm, she stole the moon, 'way
    that she talks, and now she never
    ever stays inside
    Way too reluctant, and radical she is,
    there borrowing dimes to pry
    shells off the moss off the boats
    Not givin it up either, because that
    bar man tried to move her in
    She told him thanks for the day
    But we all know she won't
    When she nods her pretty light head
    it swings the tides over from some other
    sea, not like here on pacifica coasts
    But somewhere maybe Greece, Italy
    White, aisles of white White in her
    hair and blonde pearls in her cheeks
    While she blushes the sun comes up,
    don't matter what time or where
    she is...I know man i know all-o-this
    And you say she's never been around...?
    Swear its real, the day her father died
    she's got a hunnerd guys in every -town
    -Ville, -field, this country's a chessboard
    for the lovely West coast sparkling queen,
    and she's gotta be a real gem when she
    gets drunk...No, actually there was a
    lil shindig down that cat alley avenue
    while back and she wore em all out
    But not until her mirror waltz was
    playin, shuffling at her sidling brides
    Sllim petal hips and swan-diven lips...




    Submitted on 2004-07-13 22:10:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      How could no one comment on this? This is one of your very best, darlin'. I love the dialect used, I can relate to it, hear it almost coming from my own lips, but then I hear it everyday in the throats of passers-by, strangers that live for their own selfish loves--loves like Gwen, they pine for a fragile reality.

    It was very fluid, which I think you may owe in part to the sparse use of punctuation. I think it helped the piece a lot. God, I fu.ckin' know this chick! She is the archetype by which I continuously doom myself. I chase sweet Gwen from coast to fu.ckin' coast, follow that roaming addiction that defines and refines me. I should have read this before.

    The only critiques I can give would be to hyphenize "allothis" in line 25. It threw me, and I actually thought it was some strange foreign name at first. It was the only thing in the write that slowed the fluidity of it for me. Aside from that, I wouod say don't change a word. Doesn't need revision. It is what it is.

    Thankee loev,

    Aaron

    19
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by KrimsonReaper | [ Reply to This ]
      "she's got a hunnerd guys in every -town
    -Ville, -field, this country's a chessboard
    for the lovely West coast sparkling queen"

    I feel damn sad after reading it. It's like getting overused or drop on to an other gear to continue that ride, but in an other way. I feel so... tired and worn... A powerful piece, April.
    | Posted on 2004-07-26 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the colloquial speech. Man, I could never pull that off; This is so… Good… I can't even comment… I've only read it through once, so haven't really absorbed it, but I KNOW it's good… Have you ever been published? Thought about trying?

    2nd read: Even better. I adore:
    'White, aisles of white White in her
    hair and blonde pearls in her cheeks
    While she blushes the sun comes up,
    don't matter what time or where'
    … Beautiful…
    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]


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