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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Youthdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    18/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    4.24 - 196/262/123
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 684



    Description:
       Thinking about being young and seeing young people.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsYouthdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The 'tree's which not only grow
    But are smoked from kids below
    The drinks that mix and swirl
    Make the kids lie down and hurl
    The hollow hearts of days before
    Tumble, broken on the floor.
    As each day starts anew
    They think of times; they find their cue
    They speak of thoughts, of memories.
    Of dreams and ambitions of being free.

    Well it ain't so great; let me say
    Your dreams may not last past a day
    Because as we grow, we lose our cause
    We become what we have lost
    Our memories are bare of reward
    Except tormet, regrets, and damaged swords





    Submitted on 2009-03-13 13:40:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think its on the way to being a decent poem,but maybe a little more work is needed...

    The rhyming is quite bland in some parts,try to get rid of lines such as:

    "find their cue"

    "we lose our cause"

    Theyre not really appropriate and far too frequently used.

    Damaged swords is a metophor that comes out of nowhere,perhaps you could set that up better.

    Honesty I wouldnt be able to salvage much from this aside from the fact you have a very competent sense of rhythm,which means yoiu put effort in the crafting.

    So good work,I hope you keep improving.

    -Craig
    | Posted on 2009-03-13 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


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