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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a summer removeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: in shadow
    ASL Info:    22/F/ nightmares
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 581/277/103
    Words: 124
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 611
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 728



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa summer removeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sunsets were never sober
    All the stars where blurry like a Van Gogh
    But all the beauty was fake
    I believed it all. I bought it all with my plastic heart
    Sold my flesh for five more minutes
    I got lost in all the glitz and glitter
    Breathing nothing but bad perfume and stale smoke
    Breathing nothing but dead air
    I wanted to make you want me
    Even though I hated you
    Hated you so much
    I thought this was life
    But I was dying
    Burning on my hand crafted funeral pyre
    Lovingly built up with each mistake I made
    I was the brightest star
    Everyone was staring at me
    But the only screams I heard where my own




    Submitted on 2009-03-13 18:32:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      well well... I knew you had it in ya... THIS [censored] right here nigga... this [censored] right here? they call this POETRY!

    It's beautiful and GENUINE(at least seems to be)...

    there is no real rhythm to it nor is there a rhyme scheme, yet it goes together very well and paints one of those literal pictures to literally depict the figurative again... you're pretty good at doing that when you set your HEART to it(f u c k putting your mind to it... that's for entertainers and scientists)
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by psyko | [ Reply to This ]
      beautiful and compelling and extreamly sad this is the first poem i have read today that has compelled me enough for me to leave a comment.
    excellent!! and beautifully written!!
    well done!

    opening line excellent!!
    | Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by lilmiznaughty04 | [ Reply to This ]
      great title by the way...

    okay... so food for thought. i like this piece and the only thing i would question would be the all's here. yes, it makes it conversational but i think it would be a tighter piece w/out them.

    i've copied and pasted your poem and just removed them (again, it is your piece, to do as you wish) with a few other suggestions...

    Sunsets were never sober
    The stars w[h..typo]ere blurry
    Like a Van Gogh
    The beauty was fake
    [But]I believed it. I bought it with my plastic heart
    Sold my flesh for five more minutes
    I got lost in the glitz and glitter
    Breathing nothing but bad perfume and stale smoke
    [Breathing - omit] nothing but dead air
    I wanted to make you want me
    Even though I hated you
    [Hated you so much - omit]
    I thought this was life
    [And] I was dying
    Burning on my hand [-] crafted funeral pyre
    Lovingly built up with each mistake I made
    I was the brightest star
    Everyone was staring at me
    But the only screams I heard where my own



    anyhoo... just very, very minor changes.

    some of the repetition i scratched out. (here i go taking liberties to your work). not that i don't understand it. sometimes it works/or not.

    i love your opening line.
    | Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


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