a summer removed
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Description:
a summer removed
Sunsets were never sober All the stars where blurry like a Van Gogh But all the beauty was fake I believed it all. I bought it all with my plastic heart Sold my flesh for five more minutes I got lost in all the glitz and glitter Breathing nothing but bad perfume and stale smoke Breathing nothing but dead air I wanted to make you want me Even though I hated you Hated you so much I thought this was life But I was dying Burning on my hand crafted funeral pyre Lovingly built up with each mistake I made I was the brightest star Everyone was staring at me But the only screams I heard where my own |
Submitted on 2009-03-13 18:32:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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| well well... I knew you had it in ya... THIS [censored] right here nigga... this [censored] right here? they call this POETRY! It's beautiful and GENUINE(at least seems to be)... there is no real rhythm to it nor is there a rhyme scheme, yet it goes together very well and paints one of those literal pictures to literally depict the figurative again... you're pretty good at doing that when you set your HEART to it(f u c k putting your mind to it... that's for entertainers and scientists) | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by psyko | [ Reply to This ] | beautiful and compelling and extreamly sad this is the first poem i have read today that has compelled me enough for me to leave a comment. | excellent!! and beautifully written!! well done! opening line excellent!! | Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by lilmiznaughty04 | [ Reply to This ] | great title by the way... | okay... so food for thought. i like this piece and the only thing i would question would be the all's here. yes, it makes it conversational but i think it would be a tighter piece w/out them. i've copied and pasted your poem and just removed them (again, it is your piece, to do as you wish) with a few other suggestions... Sunsets were never sober The stars w[h..typo]ere blurry Like a Van Gogh The beauty was fake [But]I believed it. I bought it with my plastic heart Sold my flesh for five more minutes I got lost in the glitz and glitter Breathing nothing but bad perfume and stale smoke [Breathing - omit] nothing but dead air I wanted to make you want me Even though I hated you [Hated you so much - omit] I thought this was life [And] I was dying Burning on my hand [-] crafted funeral pyre Lovingly built up with each mistake I made I was the brightest star Everyone was staring at me But the only screams I heard where my own anyhoo... just very, very minor changes. some of the repetition i scratched out. (here i go taking liberties to your work). not that i don't understand it. sometimes it works/or not. i love your opening line. | Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ] | |
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