you know how its been so long since i had life consistently settle in my eyes? i mean, by the time i got here i had mastered the art of blinking under hardened lids and stiff lashes. and since life no longer resides, only visits once in a while (usually when the rain is loud enough to hear and sleep is in abundance) i make a very determined effort to keep the hallow iris of my eyes uninviting. people are just not allowed to lock stares with me. it's not possible. who wants to visit emptiness anyway? besides that, i know that i'd have a great way of making you extremely uncomfortable if you did. i don't want anyone to notice the vacancy. sometimes, maybe, when you sit across from me in a booth watching me sip a stout from a cloudy glass, you can catch a glimpse of the murky and stagnant pools that are my eyes. and if you do, you would shudder, either from how eerily empty they are or from the fact that you think that i liked keeping them that way. i don't. but i prefer that you think that.
so there is this guy. hah! so much of my life sentences, start off this way. but i swear this story goes in a different direction. wait. that's usually the second line i say too. but never mind, as i was saying... there is this guy. he's the only person that i constantly make a fool of myself in front of. i don't mind portraying the fool in front of people. you know i would do anything to evoke a laugh from folks, but for some reason in front of him i mind, being a fool i mean. i guess that says a lot. about his character and my heart towards it. at some point in time i will have to go back and analyze the previous sentences, i am sure. but anyway, i make a fool of myself- like slamming into microwaves when i am supposed to do something as simple as hug him hello. something as simple. pfffft. right.
ok, so you know how i have this great technique of keeping my eyes shut even when they are open? well, i think he knows that i do that because every time i look, his eyes are actively searching out mine and trying to lock them even when i'm actively trying to avoid his. i do try my best to dissuade him. i flash him a vacant stare, and hallow look, a quick glance thats full of nothing giving him an inclination not to come close but am not too successful. internally, i am scratching my head. its puzzling but he doesn't bow down. my challenge is challenged by his. don't you dare stare, my look says, and his facial expression says in return, don't you dare dare me not to stare. so my attempts have backfired and i find myself uncomfortable under the weight of his eyes. i hate to admit this, but its a lovely place, being uncomfortable, but pinned by his eyes. see, unlike my eyes, his are intrinsically warm and always full. though they initially make me squirm, darting and dodging in an awkward dance, it's very satisfying when they finally pin me down. because when his eyes hold mine his stare becomes a tunnel and somehow, miraculously, life is born. his conduit gaze gently penetrates me and the stagnant pools of my eyes begin to stir and echo as if a heavy pebble has been tossed in them. life? in my eyes? how dare he bring those tidings? i find myself shuddering at the thought of how easily he does this or from the fact that i like when he does. maybe both. perhaps.
you told me once how you admired my emotional independence. this was the biggest compliment for me then. i have always prided myself in being detached from feelings and keeping my eyes uninvolved. but i can't consider it a compliment any longer. lately my vulnerability has been exposed. oddly, enough i am enjoying it. but it's late now.... i will write again soon. i'm gonna go close my eyes for real now and dream of peace and pebbles.