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Trapped in a hula hoop
Of ancient sentiments,
Forged by tradition
And spurred by blindness.
After all, we are slaves
Finding our way out of a roundabout
Like a running mouse,
Trying to beat the wheel.
And in the blink of an eye,
the same headgear designer
and become passionate in a protocol-like fashion!
| Interesting. I like the idea. ||| Posted on 2009-03-16 00:00:00 | by Ruffian | [ Reply to This ] || Anything I want to say? You’re giving me far too much freedom here. Don’t worry – I’ll try to not abuse it. So now let me just piece this apart for a moment.|
The first line is like a handshake and I really like your first line. Hula hoop was an unusual choice and unusual is always much more fun. I found it very fun to read. Then you get pretty serious with the next three lines. “Forged” and “spurred” being perfect word choice in my opinion.
The second stanza confused me at first. Because I didn’t know what a roundabout was. We don’t call them roundabouts here. It was more of a technical confusion and not something so drastic that it would affect the poem though. But it was very nice and “slaves” being a bold word which set it out pretty well.
The next stanza reminds me of a good storyteller. It’s nice transition. The same headgear designer made me smile. It brought me right back to your similar humor in the hula-hoop line.
I won’t claim full understanding or even partial understanding – I’m intent on keeping my naive, and flighty persona ;). As far as I can tell you’re trying to say that we’re fighting for matters or causes that just were passed down from ages ago. *Shrugs*I stare at Mona Lisa and just see a creepy gal smiling so I’m no genius at analyzing here but that’s what I got out of it.
Thanks for the read!
|| Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by Indelible_ink | [ Reply to This ] || This has great potential!|
I really REALLY love the point you're making here. As it's the point I try to make to everyone as well. ^_^
Your language is very visual and unique! I love it!
The only problem I see, as the person before me has pointed out, is the final stanza. I'm not quite sure what you're getting at. Unless, it's maybe that as we (the ones frantically trying to escape the hold society has over us) try to leave the roundabout, we are eventually trapped by fads and the like claiming to be the ticket to freedom?
Other than the final stanza, this is a great poem! Thank you for sharing!
|| Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by doppelganger | [ Reply to This ] || It has given me a lot to think about Ethan in the first 2 verses. The last verse I can make little of--- my bad?||| Posted on 2009-03-14 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ] |