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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: City Snakes & Country Birds : Concrete Harvestdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Fizzlethorpe
    ASL Info:    22 | M | Anytown, Amerika
    Elite Ratio:    6.09 - 142/135/81
    Words: 439
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 124
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3177



    Description:
       Cities just like scars.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCity Snakes & Country Birds : Concrete Harvestdots
    -------------------------------------------



    Sought understanding, tracked it through
    the subways and side-streets;
    found it, shivering, on the pavement
    in the middle of a blizzard.
    Huddled in grime encrusted strips
    that couldn't even call themselves rags,

    and when it looked up the gaze received
    wasn't the humility seen in a beggar's
    wrinkles - it was the seething ferocity
    oozing out of a beast that had never known
    the bars of a cage...

    then,
    tossed its head back and howled.

    And the startled city snake went flying
    on instinct auto pilot, as fast as
    scales could slither; all the while

    yelling, "But what's the fun in knowin',
    it's always been the mysteries that
    kept ya guessin'; ya brave little bone dancer
    it's so selfish to wish you were still
    covered in flesh. Feel that rain falling,
    making water outlined patterns that
    trickle down the scalp - that make spines
    seem like they're made of mud.
    "

    Then,
    the clothes and faces all slough off
    until naked cowardice nests
    in every garbage can...

    until the smog kissed water is
    first to freeze on these barren streets,
    on another toe-tag, name-tag, white
    as the chalk it was outlined in;
    down where the cops march to their own
    melodies but can't keep a beat.

    Tar stained concrete alleys where feet
    walk like whispers in the borders
    between the silhouettes carved out
    by the disinterested violence;
    that punctuates downtown like an ellipsis
    made of gunshots. It's like every night
    the metropolis hands out notepads
    and lets its children play anchorman -

    editorial journalism printed in basement
    newsrooms, and there's plenty of interviews
    but no proof reading. Plenty of black and white
    photographs showing the sure signs of
    beauty beneath every bruise; each pothole
    along the roads, or scar on the side
    of buildings caressing the skyline,
    just begging for foundation, for granite
    based concealer...for stop-sign highlights
    and traffic cone eyeliner.

    And then,
    the crowds converge and shout
    out of their megaphones and palm shrouded
    mouths, another zygote protest in the
    face of firm practices. Each of these
    exercises in triage ends in piles of bled
    through bandages and dead end hopes, but
    anybody who walks along this pavement
    puts in hours in the largest free clinic
    ever built. Each syllable exchanged is as
    charged as a defibrillator...with every patient
    on the verge of flat-lining.

    and all along the first floor apartments
    a sentiment is echoing :

    it seems the city snakes who swallowed
    the country birds whole have turned inward
    and been devoured by their wayward tails.




    Submitted on 2009-03-15 05:35:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Well I gave this one a fave just because it exhibits a maturity of style, content, and sensibility one rarely finds on this site, ever. And while it does seem to meander a bit at times and get caught up in its own social excess of expression, it's a dance that feels like a shark in the water; if it were to stop it would drown.

    Fortunately, it keeps moving.

    There are no less than five strings that really require hyphens. "Grime-encrusted." "Smog-kissed." "Tar-stained." "Granite-based." "Palm-shrouded." Additionally, there are perhaps four or six more that are borderline. They're obvious once you start looking for them.

    I found an awkward transition in the lines:

    by the disinterested violence;
    that punctuates downtown like an ellipsis

    The semicolon either has to go, or "that" needs to become an "it." There are, of course, more complex solutions that would work equally well, but these seemed to be the most obvious.

    If I take my two-handed sword and hack away at this piece, I suppose I might say it's guilty at times of borderline cliché in its metaphors. Be careful!

    I really, really loved the opening to this one; the feral homeless one seems to look back at us from some private hell that is compelling. I think this is what sets an expectation that leads instead to a bit of meandering . . . which people have objected to. I wonder if you might be able to go back to that point and recapture the moment and lead us down another, more mysterious road towards an enlightened epiphanous . . . revelation. I wonder because the roadsigns are there.

    This one is very close.

    Well done.

    M~
    | Posted on 2009-05-24 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm in the middle of a [re]Mix of this, myself, at the moment.

    If you'd like to see what you can shape feel free.

    | Posted on 2009-05-12 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      hello?

    how do you like this one right now?

    happy with him or no?

    mind if I mess around with a stanza or two, just for kicks?

    whaddya say?

    and see how it goes?
    | Posted on 2009-05-12 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Shit!

    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2009-03-26 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Dale except that you can't prune the the fruit bearing branch whispers/ellipsis is incredible.

    judicious pruning and keeping in mind that the audience will stray if your melodies can't keep their beat.

    What are they supposed to feel, what are they capable of feeling and will they feel?

    These questions make for poems that are cosmetically very different, to say nothing of structure.
    | Posted on 2009-03-16 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Very Ginsbergesque. This starts off well but seems to lose some focus in the middle, I think because you go a little over the top on descriptive metaphor as in:

    "Tar stained concrete alleys where feet
    walk like whispers in the borders
    between the silhouettes carved out
    by the disinterested violence;
    that punctuates downtown like an ellipsis
    made of gunshots."

    It's a nice description but I don't think it really does much for the poem. Sometimes that is the way it is, you can have a really great piece, except it doesn't really fit that poem. I think a little judicious pruning could maintain the nice initial energy you start with.

    Dale
    | Posted on 2009-03-15 00:00:00 | by erthona | [ Reply to This ]



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