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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Second Chancedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Namlooc20
    ASL Info:    26/Male/Spokane, WA
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 359/327/107
    Words: 295
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 678
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 1867



    Description:
       This is a poem I wrote at work. It was on the fly and I have yet to edit it. Don't judge actual errors like grammar and stuff. I'd love thoughts and ideas. Thanks!

    -Kyle


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSecond Chancedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Please give me one more chance
    Ill show you romance my dear
    Sweep you off your feet
    While catching your tear

    Ill take this puppy love
    And throw it to the ground
    Hide all the candles
    Dash that frown

    Show you that smile
    Youve been longing to see
    Kiss your lips so gently
    Like the first to be

    But would it really be our first,
    Or our attempt at a second chance?
    Can I keep all the memories,
    Or do I burn the past?

    Do we start from ground-zero
    Where first base was unexplored
    Slowly round the bases
    Waiting for a home run score?

    Or can I go to the point
    Show you what Ive missed
    Every little thing
    On this one tiny list

    The way youd run scared
    If I didnt say goodbye
    The way you got defensive
    When I was in anothers eye

    Your sweet cheeks I loved to kiss
    Or your mouth Id watch speak
    Your eyes that burned with passion
    That then seemed so meek

    The way wed work together
    When nothing seemed right
    The way youd curl in a ball
    And I still held on tight

    But that sight it burns deep
    The scar will remain
    Yet the tears Ive shed, the things I said
    These will never change

    Every night wed say goodbye
    In our own old-fashioned way
    And Ill work up my courage
    Just to repeat today

    I love you my dear
    I love you its true
    Goodnight, Ill love you forever
    To this I promise you

    And with this Id slip off to bed
    Id close my eyes and smile
    I meant it my dear, like I always do
    Goodnight, forever. I promise you.




    Submitted on 2009-03-16 03:23:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the first & last part feels a bit forced as far as the ryhme goes but personally i loved it...it was very heartfelt and the emotions really flow through...the best part for me was the following:

    The way youd run scared
    If I didnt say goodbye
    The way you got defensive
    When I was in anothers eye

    Your sweet cheeks I loved to kiss
    Or your mouth Id watch speak
    Your eyes that burned with passion
    That then seemed so meek

    The way wed work together
    When nothing seemed right
    The way youd curl in a ball
    And I still held on tight

    But that sight it burns deep
    The scar will remain
    Yet the tears Ive shed, the things I said
    These will never change (this could flow better)

    Every night wed say goodbye
    In our own old-fashioned way
    And Ill work up my courage
    Just to repeat today

    The rest takes away the brilliance of these few verses...just my thoughts...
    | Posted on 2009-03-16 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      namlooc20, you have the meat here for a poem, but you need to aim at rhythm --- there are lots of different rhythms to choose from. simple 4 ft.length per line, eg:-

    I pray you give me one more chance
    So I can show you true romance
    To surely sweep you off your feet
    And promise you I'll never cheat.


    "my dear" ouch, grandfather stuff!! I have ignored your rhyming to point out an easy rhythm, and I am not suggesting you use my words. Try simple dit dah with the syllables.
    i PRAY you GIVE me ONE more CHANCE
    so I can SHOW you TRUE roMANCE
    The capitalised words are dahs = stresses.
    Lastly, rhyming itself does not a poem make!!!
    It is a useful tool, use it if you feel a need, but don't force the words for it. Good luck lover to be. Ted.
    | Posted on 2009-03-16 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]


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