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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Strawberry Truthdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: unnamedtear
    ASL Info:    18/f/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.03 - 25/25/37
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 952
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1134



    Description:
       Well, it was another poem that was about last year around this time. Just a random poem drawing with a few modifications. Just felt like putting things up, kinda had a "rotten" day. Get it? Pun? Ha....ha


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStrawberry Truthdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I lay on these blue striped blankets.
    Thinking about all that has gone bad.
    Because you were my strawberry;
    the sweetest I had ever had.

    You were almost a perfect red.
    But the showing seeds made you rotten.
    And my taste buds taste only sour,
    for the sweetness they remember, they've forgotten.

    I know I have loved many fruits.
    Of all shapes and all kinds.
    But the one I adored most of all,
    the one that always shined.

    You are my darling fruit
    of which I cherish very much.
    For the taste was so sweet on my mind,
    that it reminded me of a warm wind's touch.

    I hate to hear the bitterness of your voice now.
    Especially when it is usually sweet.
    It makes me miss those special times
    We were together growing in the summer heat.

    I loved you with a passion so deep.
    But the sourness I cannot bare.
    I miss it so much I cannot sleep..
    Because though you may have changed for the worse,
    For you, I still care.





    Submitted on 2009-03-16 05:49:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hello Annie,

    Firstly let me say that I believe a poetry community needs all types to survive and that it needs souls like you who give more than they get to really flourish.

    I admire you in a lot of ways because you put your heart out there and that is a brave thing, but you are also very giving and I'm sure there must be so many here who have appreciated and valued that.

    I read your poems from time to time but shy away because in a community like this honesty is probably one of the commodities of highest value.

    This is only my opinion and only one opinion but I believe you would get a lot more comments if you put more thought into how to make the poems more original. I know you read a lot of poetry but I'm asking you to explore things that we all hope in time will become instinctive and intuitive. What makes poems you like work? How do these poets approach making it work, because there are many ways of beginning and countless variations of structure or planned chaos that draw a reader in and carry them through to the end.

    I know your passion is equal to that of the next guy because you have a strong fighting spirit and the content of your poems is no less with a view to what is its essence, there is only the difference of how it is constructed and how devices are used to play off the inherent emotions/experience or absence of experience in the reader. You turn something old into something new or you make something new.

    Reading this poem I think of the song 'Strawberry wine' (and don't tell anyone this but i love that song)
    and so this piece doesn't seem original by comparison. Now, there is nothing new under the sun but if I know that song and this poem falls short of that then the net result is that the poem gets viewed but abandoned without comment and I go listen to the song.

    Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of phrases and saying are comfort food in poetry and have their place
    and I'm not one too write off a poem if it seems familiar. If the net result is that it makes you feel something overwhelming then that's a sweet deal in my book. But try to build poems that are largely fresh and phrases you wouldn't usually try, and... for me I don't usually write unless an epiphany of sorts falls out of the sky and hits me on the head. When they come you are off and running but just as you develop an eye for poetry you like and an ear as well I think it's helpful to be the poet from dawn till dusk, and by that I mean that you turn the same eye and ear to nature and to people/society... once you become attuned to that then you really are in the [censored] because little bits of sky fall on your head too often and you write and write and pretty soon you can't even sleep properly for trying to get it down.

    Thanks for being around here and for all that you do-- and best wishes.

    Daniel
    | Posted on 2009-03-18 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    172195

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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