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imaginary skin


Author: blackbird
ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194 /328 /300
Words: 181
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 2436
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 1414



Description:




imaginary skin



i want
to look for the milk
upon the flowers,
the bubbling froth
that melts off
the ocean of my lips,
the memory
of my misplaced body
unravelling
into tree sap...

oh,
but to turn
into the bluish shade
of you,
to find art,
unspoken, hanging from the tongue
like a raven pouring.

i recall
winter's lovely bell
inside me,
singing after you
like a spice
that once tasted,
turns a sky
into a river
that i dipped my toes into
as my childhood swayed,
progressed towards something new,
something less colourful
than your hair.

the tiniest voices
come at me when i'm
sleeping.
dreams seem to forgive me
more than i can.
i remember the apples.
i remember the music
moving underwater,
bending
& soothing into light
like angels
flickering amongst the lines
of your cheek.
my hands move towards yours
in the night
& images
turn to whispers.

we're all silent here..
as if magic were a
mystery,
as if love
could carry us towards
the unknown,
folded amongst infinite
parchments of imaginary skin.




Submitted on 2009-03-16 06:47:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I just love this, every note is perfect and it belies the category of sensual. It's almost hidden and so very subtle. That is a quality near to my heart.

It's a fave, just beautiful!

Nan
| Posted on 2009-06-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  You have some very whimsical titles. I enjoy whimsy -- and I'm a sucker for love poems, so you've got me sold on both accounts.

There is a lot going on with this, sort of a trailing lineage of beauty. An ode, really. There's such lovely unfurling images that only feelings of love can possibly produce and you've captured it all quite well. And I like that you opted for short lines; it carries it gracefully.

I do have a couple of suggestion that might tighten it up, slightly nit-picking, but you can do what you like with it (obviously).

First -- great opening lines, however I wonder if you would consider eliminating 'the ocean' bit so that it reads:

the bubbling froth
that melts off
my lips,

To me your poem evokes something woodsy and rivered so the ocean imagery seemed out of place.

i recall
winter's lovely bell
inside me,
singing after you
like a spice
that once tasted,
turns a sky
into a river
that i dipped my toes into

In this section, there seems to be a little tense confusion. should it read 'turned a sky/into a river' and also (this is a really small thing) maybe 'the sky'?

This section here:

the tiniest voices
come at me when i'm
sleeping.
dreams seem to forgive me
more than i can.

-- distracted me a little. To me it falters on the imagery and tone and I wonder if it's needed at all. They're good lines, just don't seem to fit.

as if magic were a
mystery,
as if love
could carry us towards
the unknown,

--and a bit of the same problem for me, here. Again, distracted. Though I do see that another comment particularly liked it, so maybe it's just me (entirely possible). I think the ending would be more powerful if it went something more like:

we're all silent here
folded amongst infinite
parchments of imaginary skin.

The final lines are beautiful and give me a full sense of something passed and unrequited. I hope this has helped somewhat, and if not at least not offended you. Regardless of what I say, a little tweaking and this will be sublime. I did very much enjoy the write and am glad you stumbled upon me so that I could stumble upon you. :)

-Emeya
| Posted on 2009-06-03 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey, nice poem. Liked the ending: "if magic were a mystery", these word are perfect. I wish I wrote them.

Lookin for some feedback if you're not too busy.
| Posted on 2009-05-26 00:00:00 | by MidnightSun89 | [ Reply to This ]
  sometimes abstract concepts don't work because they are poorly segued, or they are too abstract to translate a full concept, making the reader work too hard (i do this quite a bit, myself). my eyes glided down the page the first time and i just felt... em ? engaged. drawn in. during the second and third reads, i looked for mismatched concepts or rough edges, but did not find it! flawless.

i admire the way you take a feeling and put it into words that really don't say much except about the feeling, or the suggestion of it.

so, i love this and it seemed to soothe some discomfort that i had been feeling earlier. thanks :)

biska

p.s. this is the longest comment i have written for some time. you should be appreciative (actually, i usually only review my mates work and i love them, so i just kinda go - i love you!).
| Posted on 2009-04-17 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
   I'm trying really hard to figure out why so few people leave some sort of acknowledgement they have read and possibly enjoyed your writing. Alas it’s beyond me, I have no idea why.

So though I have nothing whatsoever at all constructive or otherwise to say here.. I do want to say, you always always write so beautifully. Just thought someone should say so and break up the monotony of quiet that’s lingered seemingly for a while around here.
| Posted on 2009-03-16 00:00:00 | by Andz | [ Reply to This ]


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