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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: imaginary skindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blackbird
    ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194/328/300
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1302
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1414



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsimaginary skindots
    -------------------------------------------


    i want
    to look for the milk
    upon the flowers,
    the bubbling froth
    that melts off
    the ocean of my lips,
    the memory
    of my misplaced body
    unravelling
    into tree sap...

    oh,
    but to turn
    into the bluish shade
    of you,
    to find art,
    unspoken, hanging from the tongue
    like a raven pouring.

    i recall
    winter's lovely bell
    inside me,
    singing after you
    like a spice
    that once tasted,
    turns a sky
    into a river
    that i dipped my toes into
    as my childhood swayed,
    progressed towards something new,
    something less colourful
    than your hair.

    the tiniest voices
    come at me when i'm
    sleeping.
    dreams seem to forgive me
    more than i can.
    i remember the apples.
    i remember the music
    moving underwater,
    bending
    & soothing into light
    like angels
    flickering amongst the lines
    of your cheek.
    my hands move towards yours
    in the night
    & images
    turn to whispers.

    we're all silent here..
    as if magic were a
    mystery,
    as if love
    could carry us towards
    the unknown,
    folded amongst infinite
    parchments of imaginary skin.




    Submitted on 2009-03-16 06:47:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I just love this, every note is perfect and it belies the category of sensual. It's almost hidden and so very subtle. That is a quality near to my heart.

    It's a fave, just beautiful!

    Nan
    | Posted on 2009-06-05 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      You have some very whimsical titles. I enjoy whimsy -- and I'm a sucker for love poems, so you've got me sold on both accounts.

    There is a lot going on with this, sort of a trailing lineage of beauty. An ode, really. There's such lovely unfurling images that only feelings of love can possibly produce and you've captured it all quite well. And I like that you opted for short lines; it carries it gracefully.

    I do have a couple of suggestion that might tighten it up, slightly nit-picking, but you can do what you like with it (obviously).

    First -- great opening lines, however I wonder if you would consider eliminating 'the ocean' bit so that it reads:

    the bubbling froth
    that melts off
    my lips,

    To me your poem evokes something woodsy and rivered so the ocean imagery seemed out of place.

    i recall
    winter's lovely bell
    inside me,
    singing after you
    like a spice
    that once tasted,
    turns a sky
    into a river
    that i dipped my toes into

    In this section, there seems to be a little tense confusion. should it read 'turned a sky/into a river' and also (this is a really small thing) maybe 'the sky'?

    This section here:

    the tiniest voices
    come at me when i'm
    sleeping.
    dreams seem to forgive me
    more than i can.

    -- distracted me a little. To me it falters on the imagery and tone and I wonder if it's needed at all. They're good lines, just don't seem to fit.

    as if magic were a
    mystery,
    as if love
    could carry us towards
    the unknown,

    --and a bit of the same problem for me, here. Again, distracted. Though I do see that another comment particularly liked it, so maybe it's just me (entirely possible). I think the ending would be more powerful if it went something more like:

    we're all silent here
    folded amongst infinite
    parchments of imaginary skin.

    The final lines are beautiful and give me a full sense of something passed and unrequited. I hope this has helped somewhat, and if not at least not offended you. Regardless of what I say, a little tweaking and this will be sublime. I did very much enjoy the write and am glad you stumbled upon me so that I could stumble upon you. :)

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2009-06-03 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, nice poem. Liked the ending: "if magic were a mystery", these word are perfect. I wish I wrote them.

    Lookin for some feedback if you're not too busy.
    | Posted on 2009-05-26 00:00:00 | by MidnightSun89 | [ Reply to This ]
      sometimes abstract concepts don't work because they are poorly segued, or they are too abstract to translate a full concept, making the reader work too hard (i do this quite a bit, myself). my eyes glided down the page the first time and i just felt... em ? engaged. drawn in. during the second and third reads, i looked for mismatched concepts or rough edges, but did not find it! flawless.

    i admire the way you take a feeling and put it into words that really don't say much except about the feeling, or the suggestion of it.

    so, i love this and it seemed to soothe some discomfort that i had been feeling earlier. thanks :)

    biska

    p.s. this is the longest comment i have written for some time. you should be appreciative (actually, i usually only review my mates work and i love them, so i just kinda go - i love you!).
    | Posted on 2009-04-17 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
       I'm trying really hard to figure out why so few people leave some sort of acknowledgement they have read and possibly enjoyed your writing. Alas itís beyond me, I have no idea why.

    So though I have nothing whatsoever at all constructive or otherwise to say here.. I do want to say, you always always write so beautifully. Just thought someone should say so and break up the monotony of quiet thatís lingered seemingly for a while around here.
    | Posted on 2009-03-16 00:00:00 | by Andz | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
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    172196

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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