Irony by CourtneyLynne

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Submission Name: Irony dots

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Author:	CourtneyLynne
ASL Info:	23/female/Washington
Elite Ratio:	5.37 - 74/70/56
Words:	147

Class/Type:	Poetry/Satire
Total Views:	971
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	931

Description:
i'm not actually allergic to wheat. but i think going to Drury lane and being surrounded by pastries and having that allergy would be depressing.

Irony

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Delightful maladies- or melodies?
Taking too many breaths,
only to choke on reality.

The light of life is fading fast, yet
angry eyes are bright and vast,
shedding spotlights on your skin,
spreading secrets out too thin.

So we leave to take a break
take a trip to ease the ache.
Waves of grain and skies of blue
we are sailing on the two
in a boat of candy canes,
hand in hand down drury lane
where we stop- for pastries.

But your eyes are growing wide
you're not sure why i've cried
cried at you and cried right here,
you back away and run in fear
as my tears become a wave
become a monster in a cave
lurking staring out in gloom
for i'm standing in a room
surrounded by the love of life
but i'm allergic- to wheat.

Submitted on 2009-03-16 16:54:33 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  you seem to stray from the structure you built with your first stanza but not in a way that throws everything off kilter.

You're rhyming is a bit cliché but not enough to take away from you meaning or the point you wish to get across.

so constructiveness over with i love it.

it's simple sweet yet a layer of complexity hidden beneath all your thoughts.

great job my lovely Cake wife person guy who is really a girl but im to lazy to erase my guy word which is weird cause i cant seem to stop typing so i don't seem very lazy...

stopping now.

~Nikki
| Posted on 2009-03-25 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  Hahh. This poem makes me smile. I love writing random poems in Culinary Arts. :D
And I agree with Sephiroth about the dashes before the words. They made a good point. Other than that, I love this poem! Adorable!
| Posted on 2009-03-17 00:00:00 | by maddiluzzi | [ Reply to This ]
  I like the organization of this. They way it gets longer, but lines sort of get shorter, it makes your read faster which adds to a dramatic effect, but explodes in comedy in that last line. But still, it's sad my favorite childhood characer has to die or suffer
A few notes.
The second line is sort of lacking. You could either combine it with the first, or add some body to it, like a simple adjective to 'melodies'
Somewhere, you should make a reference to the nursery rhyme. I actually didn't get it until I read the description.
The dashes could go one word before. I think it flows a little better.
where we stop- for pastries
but i'm allergic- to wheat
Other than that, a very solid piece of satire.
| Posted on 2009-03-17 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.