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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ironydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CourtneyLynne
    ASL Info:    23/female/Washington
    Elite Ratio:    5.37 - 74/70/56
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Satire
    Total Views: 922
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 931



    Description:
       i'm not actually allergic to wheat. but i think going to Drury lane and being surrounded by pastries and having that allergy would be depressing.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIronydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Delightful maladies- or melodies?
    Taking too many breaths,
    only to choke on reality.

    The light of life is fading fast, yet
    angry eyes are bright and vast,
    shedding spotlights on your skin,
    spreading secrets out too thin.

    So we leave to take a break
    take a trip to ease the ache.
    Waves of grain and skies of blue
    we are sailing on the two
    in a boat of candy canes,
    hand in hand down drury lane
    where we stop- for pastries.

    But your eyes are growing wide
    you're not sure why i've cried
    cried at you and cried right here,
    you back away and run in fear
    as my tears become a wave
    become a monster in a cave
    lurking staring out in gloom
    for i'm standing in a room
    surrounded by the love of life
    but i'm allergic- to wheat.




    Submitted on 2009-03-16 16:54:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you seem to stray from the structure you built with your first stanza but not in a way that throws everything off kilter.

    You're rhyming is a bit cliché but not enough to take away from you meaning or the point you wish to get across.

    so constructiveness over with i love it.

    it's simple sweet yet a layer of complexity hidden beneath all your thoughts.

    great job my lovely Cake wife person guy who is really a girl but im to lazy to erase my guy word which is weird cause i cant seem to stop typing so i don't seem very lazy...


    stopping now.


    ~Nikki
    | Posted on 2009-03-25 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Hahh. This poem makes me smile. I love writing random poems in Culinary Arts. :D
    And I agree with Sephiroth about the dashes before the words. They made a good point. Other than that, I love this poem! Adorable!
    | Posted on 2009-03-17 00:00:00 | by maddiluzzi | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the organization of this. They way it gets longer, but lines sort of get shorter, it makes your read faster which adds to a dramatic effect, but explodes in comedy in that last line. But still, it's sad my favorite childhood characer has to die or suffer
    A few notes.
    The second line is sort of lacking. You could either combine it with the first, or add some body to it, like a simple adjective to 'melodies'
    Somewhere, you should make a reference to the nursery rhyme. I actually didn't get it until I read the description.
    The dashes could go one word before. I think it flows a little better.
    where we stop- for pastries
    but i'm allergic- to wheat
    Other than that, a very solid piece of satire.
    | Posted on 2009-03-17 00:00:00 | by Sephiroth | [ Reply to This ]


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