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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Longdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Doublefeather
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 71/61/33
    Words: 270
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 695
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1649



    Description:
       I needed to write this, it vents my feelings but it still tells its truths.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Longdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I long to see the sun,
    And it's magnficent day,
    But the night has just begun,
    As my weakness wisks me away,
    So I long,

    I long because I want love,
    Because I wish my enemies gone,
    For that power from above,
    That the wars may be won,
    I long,

    My enemies seek my destrction,
    My heart's a wounded mess,
    I still need redemption,
    Yet I am one who must endure the tests,
    Oh, how I long,

    Yet, in my heart,
    I know my peace will soon come,
    Until then I have my part,
    In the battles that have only just begun,

    So aid me if you will,
    But do not call my weak,
    For I am standing still,
    Yet my soul remains meek,

    My Lord will bring me through,
    For else have I to rely on,
    My strength? It is few,
    My friends? In death they will be gone,

    My family? They will love me,
    But they cannot walk my road,
    Humanity? And how it enslaves the free,
    It sits on a sinking boat,

    Humanity binds itself in pleasures,
    Tell me where in that is self-sacrifice,
    When those who are humble are severed,
    And when the exile is the doer of right,

    No we have yet to see farther than ourselves,
    Even though the world dies around us,
    We place their needs on the shelves,
    And our own on the rush,

    So no I will rely on my God,
    Jesus has yet to fail me,
    Even though I may face the rod,
    I have a healer who will rebuild me.




    Submitted on 2009-03-16 22:59:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Nice write. It flows really well until you reach this part of the poem:

    Humanity binds itself in pleasures,
    Tell me where in that is self-sacrifice,
    When those who are humble are severed,
    And when the exile is the doer of right,

    No we have yet to see farther than ourselves,
    Even though the world dies around us,
    We place their needs on the shelves,
    And our own on the rush,

    So no I will rely on my God,
    Jesus has yet to fail me,
    Even though I may face the rod,
    I have a healer who will rebuild me.

    It seems a little out of tempo with the rest...I also dont think you need to add i long or oh how i long etc.. or make it consistent throughout in a way that enriches the piece..just my thoughts..
    | Posted on 2009-03-17 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]


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