Skeletons

Author: Jazzy ASL Info:    20/f/USA Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 90 /221 /227 Words: 88

Class/Type: Poetry /Misc Total Views: 823 Average Vote:    No vote yet. Bytes: 569

Description:

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Skeletons

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I feel more like a skeleton when I can feel my flesh as it is eaten away And my bones can finally Be seen. I hold myself accountable to Whoever I meet on the street That day. And who says that skeletons Can't be people too? I'm telling you There is nothing better than To watch those skeleton people Walking down the bare bone streets I'm sure they don't know That they are skeletons Or maybe they do, Maybe they do.

Submitted on 2009-03-20 00:59:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments

Your take on the subject of skeletons is quite promising. I think the "bare bones" language used here is a great match. Really brings out the verbal side of the skeleton. Also, relation back to society and its own hollow streets is nice too. But, beside these imagery realms, there is still more to be desired. Overall, the direction of the poem is lacking. You have this nice start when you are the subject, but then abruptly shift to this very vague, very inadequate event that is never expanded. This, plus the introduction of a semi-irrelevant rhetorical question really casts this poem's first promising imagery astray. Think about the direction. Where are you going with all of this? I see that you're wanting to expand your skeleton theme beyond yourself, but the way you do it is pretty bad. Whenever you shift gears with your subject, try to think about a smooth transition between it all. So that when A finally goes over to B, there are no bumps on the way. Besides direction, I think you could also add more to your verbiage. Not too much, of course but just a little bit more in some lines so the poem doesn't become drenched in simple language. Otherwise, a great start.

| Posted on 2009-03-22 00:00:00 | by Skyhawk | [ Reply to This ]

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