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Author: Jazzy
ASL Info:    20/f/USA
Elite Ratio:    3.89 - 90 /221 /227
Words: 88
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 823
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 569




I feel more like a skeleton when
I can feel my flesh as it is eaten away
And my bones can finally
Be seen.
I hold myself accountable to
Whoever I meet on the street
That day.
And who says that skeletons
Can't be people too?
I'm telling you
There is nothing better than
To watch those skeleton people
Walking down the bare bone streets
I'm sure they don't know
That they are skeletons
Or maybe they do,
Maybe they do.

Submitted on 2009-03-20 00:59:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Your take on the subject of skeletons is quite promising.

I think the "bare bones" language used here is a great match. Really brings out the verbal side of the skeleton. Also, relation back to society and its own hollow streets is nice too. But, beside these imagery realms, there is still more to be desired.

Overall, the direction of the poem is lacking. You have this nice start when you are the subject, but then abruptly shift to this very vague, very inadequate event that is never expanded. This, plus the introduction of a semi-irrelevant rhetorical question really casts this poem's first promising imagery astray.

Think about the direction. Where are you going with all of this? I see that you're wanting to expand your skeleton theme beyond yourself, but the way you do it is pretty bad. Whenever you shift gears with your subject, try to think about a smooth transition between it all. So that when A finally goes over to B, there are no bumps on the way.

Besides direction, I think you could also add more to your verbiage. Not too much, of course but just a little bit more in some lines so the poem doesn't become drenched in simple language.

Otherwise, a great start.
| Posted on 2009-03-22 00:00:00 | by Skyhawk | [ Reply to This ]

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