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    dots Submission Name: Something Like Itdots

    Author: EileenToTheLeft
    ASL Info:    28/f/va
    Elite Ratio:    2.58 - 16/36/55
    Words: 248
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 588
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1880


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSomething Like Itdots

    I catch your eyes reading the movements
    of my fingers, struggling
    to dig the lighter out from my pocket
    for the sake of yet another countless cigarette.
    One deep breath
    after the next
    hours of sideways glances.
    We spill contagious conversation
    forget what we forgot to mention
    the last second
    the second before that second.
    They all amount to minutes unspoken

    Slouched over at the end of your bed,
    mind, growing bored with the contemplation
    of a copper stain left on my wrist...
    return to all of those monotonous
    nervous habits;
    the ones that I could feel you notice.
    The ones that never cease to feed continuous
    echos through my head
    "Please, don't be another regret".
    Please, don't send me back towards that
    lonesome self I've been.
    But, of course, you could not listen in.

    Empty bottles line up with silhouettes
    evening progresses.
    Sip after sip after sip and then
    it does not matter if we're friends,
    your touch still bears a precocious bid
    upon my drowsy skin
    I yield.
    But tomorrow brings silence
    recognition of worthlessness
    from another night of careless actions.
    You have no more use for this contrivance.
    So, I am left to reflect...

    the dissonance
    between your breathless tone
    and the word, itself,
    left me swaying in ambivalence.
    Though, I knew what you meant.
    Or, what you wanted
    it was nothing

    Submitted on 2009-03-21 13:59:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My, what a large picture!

    Well, I have to say I thought this was pretty good. Another storyesque piece and I liked it.

    I thought you set the scene well, but perhaps went a bit overboard in places: "for the sake of yet another countless cigarette". "Countless" is not needed.

    My fav line would have to be the opening one. This was a good way to start, and draws the reader in. By contrast, the last line is perhaps a little weak - a bit anticlimatic.

    Overall though, I'd say this was a good poem.
    | Posted on 2009-04-11 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]

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