[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Foolish Guestdots

    Author: EileenToTheLeft
    ASL Info:    28/f/va
    Elite Ratio:    2.58 - 16/36/55
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 649
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1328


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFoolish Guestdots

    As you climb back onto the barstool,
    I catch your glasses in mid-fall and,
    with care not to stumble, place them back to your face.
    Can you see now? Probably not.
    We've become flies, you know.
    Clinging to these bottles and cups, caught in the sweatdrops.
    Our wings, soaked by combination of clumsiness and eagerness to sip.
    And though we still have legs, they've temporarily forgotten their duty.
    They are drunk and laughing at our bodies, jesting,
    "Where do you think YOU'RE going?!"
    Nowhere, obviously.
    But we're both drowning together, right?...Am I right?
    You hold my hand.
    You bite my ear.
    You keep me here night after night as...a friend? No.
    As an excuse. But, I understand.
    Though, I'd rather pretend not to. And you know this.
    Before long, the crowd closes in.
    We're prey to each of their sappy sorry stories,
    their old man hands grasping our thighs and it makes me sick.
    I shiver with pure hatred. But it all must be expected, by now.
    So, we've adapted. Or, rather, I have.
    For, you made this hellhole a home long ago and
    I am nothing more than a lonesome, foolish guest.

    Submitted on 2009-03-21 14:02:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      this one captured my interest immediately..but
    "we have become flies" is so good...a nice metaphor...
    then you just drop it...

    would like to have seen that extended into the second half and then throughout the poem...

    i have read several of your pieces...and i am almost there with them...but often you bring a great analogy or metaphor to some lines...but then stop...

    a chance to paint such pictures...there is an "in your face" feeling in your poems which moves me...

    but i get just slightly disappointed with what could have been...what shows its head...and then disappears in the next lines.

    just thoughts

    | Posted on 2011-04-03 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    To written by SavedDragon
    The Promise written by annie0888
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Push written by JanePlane
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Giving written by jjd
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    This written by Chelebel
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]