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    dots Submission Name: Followed The Cat Upstairsdots

    Author: EileenToTheLeft
    ASL Info:    28/f/va
    Elite Ratio:    2.58 - 16/36/55
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 737
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 959


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFollowed The Cat Upstairsdots

    Windblown nudge of the arm
    and it's more than is to see.
    Laughter, warm comedy.
    Country walls. Skeleton keys.
    I look up to you,
    even as I'm six feet taller.
    I sleep with ghosts.
    I saw what the soil and clay have done.
    The claustrophobic darkness. Damp air.
    No. No. No air to breathe.
    Pampered death in a cushioned bed.
    And a knock on the miniature door.
    "I heard. I heard. I HEARD."
    Zombie in a red and white dress,
    fabric alive.
    No eyes. No eyes. I scream.
    There were smiles by candlelight.
    "Don't get too close!"
    Heart and Soul duets.
    Weak floorboards in the attic.
    Creak, creak, creak!
    I followed the cat upstairs to find secrets,
    came down with scratches,
    and told no one.
    As time goes on,
    you die a little more in my dreams.

    Submitted on 2009-03-21 14:08:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      What struck me as most interesting is the narrators' attitude towards the death of the loved one in this poem...the blowing of the wind, the creak of the floorboards, "Hearing" the knock on the coffin lid. (which I also enjoy you describing as a "miniature door.") You make it clear to the reader that the narrator wants to believe so badly that this person is not gone that she imagines that they have come back as a ghost. She's in denial.

    The image of following the cat to find secrets. You're hoping to discover something spiritual, something amazing to put your mind at ease, but no, just the pain of someone dying, the "scratches." This works really well because of the consonance of "secrets" and "scratches."

    I will have to say that "and it's more than is to see." is an awkward sounding line. I'm not sure if the rhyming of "see," "comedy," and "keys" is intentional, but as you don't continue to rhyme throughout the poem, I would try to eliminate it. One other image I found confusing was "fabric alive." Probably because this is a short poem and I expect every line to have significance to the meaning of the poem on the whole.

    Good write.
    | Posted on 2009-04-02 00:00:00 | by Astarael | [ Reply to This ]
      i have some intense reactions to this piece.
    i remember a few years back when a friend of mine ended his life. id known him my whole life- we'd eaten paste at school together and played sports and all the things kids do.
    i remember being really cut up about his death and i remember somebody, thinking they were being helpful, telling me about the rate of decomposition of a buried human body.

    there are parts of this piece that remind me of the franticness of my dreams for months after i was told about such things. my imagination is over active at the best of times without bringing crap like that into the mix lol.

    sleeping with ghosts is another part i know. a boy i loved more than id ever loved anyone in all my life died and flor the first 3 days after his death he was right there... everywehre i went. i know that sounds bizarre but it was so intense to the point i felt uncomfortable in the shower or changing into my PJs for bed.

    yeah. thats a whole lot of info considering you dont know me lol.
    but your piece just made me think a whole lot of things. interesting that you can still look up to someone even after death... somedays i wonder whether some people, in death, achieve more than ever i will in life.

    i sure hope that isnt the case.

    and yes this is a busy piece but i think its perfect
    | Posted on 2009-03-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of the thoughts I had when writing the poem you commented on. You seem to have a way of introducing a thought exploring it and venturing off into a new space all in the same sentence. It's a nice way of 'stretching the syllables to eternity' and keeping the reader off balance, but in tune with where you are goin.

    I don't know what the stats say, I haven't looked but you're beyond 'skillaged'

    I have the feeling that this was not an accidental meeting, that I know and don't know you and that maybe one day you'll pm me and say "hey You, it's Me..."

    My only criticism is that there's perhaps too much going on in the way that you feed our senses. Perhaps there's worth in dressing it down somewhat so that it suggests bleakness and lets us dwell longer on the earthy parts.

    "look up to you,
    even as I'm six feet taller."

    you just know it's going to be a good read when you are met with lines like this early in.

    | Posted on 2009-03-21 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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