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“I need you”


Author: No Talent
ASL Info:    24/m/Ny
Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 263 /178 /31
Words: 169
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1071
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1057



Description:


juss comment on this plz


“I need you”



I’m sitting way back here, looking all around
Can’t believe I’m here right now…
Looking at the clock
Quarter after 10
Sun beaming in…I’m real
Can someone please come and help me
Help me
Can someone please break me out!
I cant stand this place rather be lost in space
So juss, come inside my head let me know you’re here
I don’t know who you are But I ….
I need you…. I need you….I need you…
As the sun slowly goes
I feel so cold…
Alone…
I can’t picture things without you
But when I look out above
The stars only spell L..O..V..E
I can almost feel you…
Here
Can someone please come and help me
Help me
Can someone please break me out!
I cant stand this place rather be lost in space
So, juss come inside my head let me know you’re here
I’m not sure who you are
But I….
I need you….I need you…
I need you…




Submitted on 2004-07-14 02:09:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  This poem struck so close to home, it's painful.
I know exactly what you're trying to get across, and you did it well. I couldn't have writen it better myself.
Wow, I don't know what else to say but I really love it alot.
Especially this part;
"come inside my head let me know you’re here
I don’t know who you are But I ….
I need you…."
Thanks for sharing, write on :)
| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by DisilusndDreamr | [ Reply to This ]
  I really like this. I think it would also sound good as lyrics. I don't know, thats just what it made me think of. God, I think that one comment with the list of "suggestions for perfection" is kind of rude. In my opinion, a poem is perfect if you put your heart in it. If you end up changing all of it to try to make it seem less like "an average poem," it might not end up being exactly what you were trying to say. You know? (Don't ask... I'm in a mood... I ramble quite a lot sometimes.) Anyways, what I'm saying is that I love it as it is. Your longing is expressed clearly and I can feel your pain. I'm going through similar things... and I have been for quite a while. But I hear it gets easier... I don't know. Anyway, the words you used were simple, but they said so much. Awesome. Another great job

-nikkki
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  . . . .hi boy! i saw you advertise your poetry when leaving a comment behind on someones poem, so i thort i'll come check ya out! Not bad at all brotha- i love the urgency and impatience and extreme need that you expressed in this poem. i thort you used the punctuation really good to express your need. the title was a bit cliché. . . but regardless i dont think your username does you any justice! soooooooo come over and check out ma [censored] sometime.

Keep spreading the love
Nadia*
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by AfricanPrincess | [ Reply to This ]
  Hey there! This is a really good poem! I can feel the frustration and desperation in your words! Knowing there is someone out there...somewhere but you just can't seem to find them! I have felt this way too. Feeling all alone is horrible and the longing is truly felt within your poem! Even when you find someone you can still wonder if this person is truly the person you were meant for. It seems it never ends ya know? Really nice poem! Take care!
Lorna
| Posted on 2005-07-22 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I must say I know how you felt. I am in Iraq right now and all Iwant is my boy. I think about him day and night. I need him more than anything right now, Yet it is impossible to hold him. Very nice job
| Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by pvt.ackerson | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow, I must say I know how you felt. I am in Iraq right now and all Iwant is my boy. I think about him day and night. I need him more than anything right now, Yet it is impossible to hold him. Very nice job
| Posted on 2005-05-07 00:00:00 | by pvt.ackerson | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this poem very much...there was a point in my life where i also longed for a person...i knew there was someone out there...but i didn't know where...i sat in my room everyday...crying...b/c i knew there was someone out there...but why weren't they there...where were they...i needed them...adn to this very day i still wonder where this person is...b/c i have not yet found them...or they haven't found me...
anyways...i found this poem to be one of the best "longing" poems i have read...nice job...keep it up...
| Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Podenco del infierno | [ Reply to This ]
  THis might come across to many as a typical teen type 1st person free-verse love/heartache poem. Congratulations you have created a poem that defines everything listed in "An Average Poem" , a decription about what an average poem is here on this site. You'll find after reading said description that you might want to not fit into it so much. At least I did.

Suggestions for Perfection:

1) This poem screams for revision. Try writing this in a different style, perhaps a 3rd person. If you don't like it you always got the original.

2)did you mean to spell that word "juss" or "just", either way that distracted me enough to take attention away from your poem and remember to comment on it so thats something you might think about.

3) Be aware of how many times you use any given word and how close you use said word in proximity to itself. Sometimes that can really signal repetition.

Good Luck in all you write, whether this advice is taken or not!

Peace,
Mister Fizzle
| Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't know if this is actually how you felt when you wrote it, but I can see I have felt like this. as far as the piece goes, it does need a little revision where the others have pointed out, it just seemed drawn out in places.
| Posted on 2004-07-16 00:00:00 | by Anarius | [ Reply to This ]


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