Description: Just some inner monlouge on my view of the current state of affairs and how it's causing some confliction in me. Any critiscism on how to improve it is greatly appreciated.
P.S. sport is the word i wanted to use and not support; i used it in reference to wearing or 'supporting'.
Foundation (completed version) -------------------------------------------
I stand upon the crumbling foundation
Atop a world I won't look back at
As smiles fade from faces,
Of people who never existed.
The nightmares come to life
Relization, the Truth comes out
Stop talking!
A mouth sown shut with political ambition
My fingerprints are falling off
Something worse then an identity crisis
'Who' am I supposed to be?
In a world that doesn't recognize personality
Incite a silent rebelion,
I'll sport my own cause
Culture still realing at my quiet stand
Is my backbone strong enough?
Or will I just crumble like my foundation
Conform to the masses
'Who' am I supposed to be?
In a world that doesn't recognize personality
Those are my absolute two favorite lines. Grade A material. :) I like how they rhyme subtly, and just seem to 'ping' together like cheese and hot sauce in chip dip. Zesty.
Crumbling foundation....nice opening. I can picture that. Just the sight of looking down, as you step nearer to the edge, and your base is just...shattering beneath you. Soon, there's nothing left to stand on, and you fall and fall and fall. Thrilling, terrifying...and somehow, empty. That's the feeling I start off this piece with.
See...the falling...that's like the faces fading in a way, I just leapt ahead of myself. Smiles disappearing is never a good thing. Smiling is good for the soul. *dons her Dr. Soul coat* People who didn't exist...see..emptiness ringing through.
We all seem to go through those stages when it seems we can't speak. Our words are choked against our rib cages, making it hard to breathe, to swallow. It's a heavy feeling to adorn one's chest, but still there it is, aptly placed in your poetry.
"My fingerprints are falling off"
Nice! the one thing that truly makes us unique. Symbolic. I love it! You have a lot of powerful emotions in this piece that really drive home your point.
"Incite" Lovely word. Yes, yes! Now we reach the turning part of this poetry. Grab your hammers, everyone! It's time to rebuild the shattered buildings. We've got a backbone. Amen to that! A-sparkling-men!
I’m having a hard time trying to figure what was that you wanted to convey. I’ll give you my opinion or interpretation aware that it might not be accurate.
In a similar vein, I happen to think this is a great write, very deep and well-accomplished. I guess you were probably describing or making reference to the economic crisis and the way you get personally affected by it. But you already mentioned that in your description.
Well, I had started to write a descriptive review but then I saw that you asked for unbiased review. The only few things that I could say on that account is that it might be a good idea to add some more punctuation and to work a bit on line breaks concerning some of your long lines. Additionally, there are some typos scattered about such as “realization” and “rebellion” in lines 6 and 13 respectively. Also, you misspelled “realing” in line 15 I imagine that you meant “reading”
Didn’t you?
Moreover, you might want idea to alter the ending and to find a way to make the last line longer than the previous so as to make it sharper which is one way or you could also choose to make those lines rhyme … it may also do the trick, your call though.
However, those are only little details because I reckon this is, again, a fabulous piece. It intrigues me quite a bit. I’m really fond of your style; every single line carries a delightful intensity which is very few and far between.
In addition, I must single out my favourite line
“In a world that doesn't recognize personality”
I really relate to it and was completely moved. The way I took it was that you believe that the world only acknowledges and respect the standard features and casts aside people who are different in any given fashion and I’ve got to say that that is an idea has always been exasperating to me. A world or a society that discards diversity is utterly outdated.
Finally, the penultimate stanza sort of reminds me of Martin Luther King and its cause … loved it.
Thanks a lot for sharing it was an amazingly powerful write!
Keep on posting!
I like the originality of some of the lines but then it makes me fasten on stock images/phrasings.
Given what I do see here I judge you to be more than capable of making the entire piece just such a revolution.
Shock the world in 18 lines or less and I'll buy what it is I think you're trying to sell.
Now sometimes that can be crushing to read given the thought and time we put into these things, but give it some thought and understand that all the effort we put forth fine tunes our work in one way or another... sometimes if you look at it that way it's easier to say "do over"
we always feel like there's pressure to hold up these babies to the world but in reality there's nothing but time, depending on how old you are :):(
Submission Name: Foundation (completed version)
