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    dots Submission Name: Black Holes and Revelationsdots

    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    23/M/Columbus, Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    5.29 - 207/277/230
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 884
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 692


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlack Holes and Revelationsdots

    Its two o'clock and the seagulls sprawl
    across the black high-hanging telephone wires
    sunset stripping away at them like razor scars
    flared up white against the august amber scene
    My urban coastal town drained dry
    of the summer in all its lazy harmony
    I was jealous of the time I'd never have again
    and it was windy on the mountain top
    of rising park where we all walked the edge
    Stars colliding into the skyline bursting
    with light and heat and little glints of privileged secrets
    as sparrows breaking away from the flock at the event horizon
    turned inward towards the center of everything

    Submitted on 2009-03-30 03:58:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Great feeling and imagry. You could use some work on the break down as far as presentation goes, but don't change it if you can't keep the feeling. I would be interested to hear the story behind this poem, because I think there is more to it than you present here. But, maybe I'm just crazy (^_^).

    Anyway, I would say to try and break up the lines a little, although the flow you have here is good. You have a littany and a story, but how you set up the lines can have a big effect on how it comes across. As an example:

    It's two o'clock.
    Seagulls sprawl across black slashes,
    High-hanging telephone wires.
    Sunset stripping them
    To angry razor scars

    Hahaha, just a little idea. It's good the way you have it, but I think that with a little rearranging it could be great.

    Good write,
    Lady Rose
    | Posted on 2009-03-30 00:00:00 | by Texan_Poet | [ Reply to This ]

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