[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Heartbeat's false love.dots

    Author: sorrowfollowme
    Elite Ratio:    3.06 - 1/2/1
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Being a Teen
    Total Views: 483
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 894

       Eh... it isn't that good...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeartbeat's false love.dots

    Aching pain stirs deep withing my stomach.
    His blue eyes look into mine.
    Was that a smile? A brief flittering smile?

    My friends "ooo" and "aw" tauntingly.
    They say they do it because its cute I like him this way.

    As they taunt me he glares at them and takes my hand.
    My heart leaps to my throat.
    He's holding my hand!

    His touch is soft and kind,
    even as he pulls me to an empty room.
    He goes to kiss me.

    I have no choice but to push him away.
    "We barely know each other!" I shout.
    The pain in my stomach leaves me.

    I walk away,
    Turning to see his lovely blue eyes filled with pain.
    I did not wish to hurt him...
    But he isn't mine,
    And I'm not his.
    We belong only to ourselves.

    Submitted on 2009-03-31 20:30:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      it's one of those things you have to be yourself about. I think it had it's good moments and it also had it's wondering moments where it didn't flow right. but other than that it's seems like it was a good vent. if based on a true subject then I can see the meaning it might give as a vent to a awkward situation.
    | Posted on 2009-04-03 00:00:00 | by Darkest Flaw | [ Reply to This ]
      This so vividly describes a feeling I am sure many others have felt. I know this much: you aren't the first and you certainly won't be the last. The flow mingled well with the other aspects which intrigued my interest. I loved the expression in line 13 as it was quite surprising and resembled an 'aha' moment IMHO. I wish you the best in all your future poetic endeavors.

    Shadow Poet
    | Posted on 2009-04-02 00:00:00 | by ShadowPoet | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Love written by saartha
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Shi written by ShyOne
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    prison written by ShyOne
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Records I written by Raphael
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by ShyOne
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]