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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Talking in my Sleepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: overthinker
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 13/16/7
    Words: 230
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 774
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1340



    Description:
       Any comments are appreciated, but brutal honesty is a must.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTalking in my Sleepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Each day I stare into a dream I hold within my hand,
    Then watch in disappoint as it just crumbles into sand.
    The feeling as it happens simply cannot be expressed,
    Though physically it's like a cannon blasting in my chest.
    Sometimes I dream so small, as just to stop my shaking hand,
    Or dream as though love is a feeling I can understand.
    I'd give my tired soul to tour the place my dreams are made,
    And find a quiet place to sit and see them all displayed.
    One of my favorite dreams to watch is one where I believe,
    That words like "I promise" are used for more than to decieve.
    I also love the dream I have, that one day I am stopped,
    and someone helps me pick up all the dreams that I have dropped.
    And as we both try frantically to keep all of them near,
    Our dreams are mixed together, and we both go pale with fear.
    Then we see a light within our newly grafted dreams,
    As they pair up perfectly, with no mismatches or seams.
    It's very clear to both of us, the dream we'll choose to take,
    But every time we lean to kiss, I'm instantly awake.
    It takes everything in me, not to rise from my bed screaming,
    'Cause daily I awaken knowing I was only dreaming.




    Submitted on 2009-03-31 21:14:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i know the feeling and the concept was perfect. you used a common concept but kept it interesting by throwing some of yourself into it. its hard to describe. but well done.
    | Posted on 2009-05-30 00:00:00 | by Theophilus | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure if you're writing in IP or any other set meter, but a few lines stuck out as awkward to me. If I'm 100% wrong, feel free to ignore me, but I did see the following . . .


    Then watch in disappoint as it just crumbles into sand.

    ... would probably be less awkward if it were

    -Then watch in disappointment as it crumbles into sand.

    not only for the pedantic ness, but also because to me, 'just' is a word that generally should be avoided... it rarely adds anything substantial.




    Though physically it's like a cannon blasting in my chest.

    i think there are too man syllables here.



    Sometimes I dream so small, as just to stop my shaking hand,

    here, i would suggest either taking out the 'as' or changing the 'just' to though... like this :

    -Sometimes I dream so small, just to stop my shaking hand,

    or

    -Sometimes I dream so small, as though to stop my shaking hand,

    (i'm not saying this because of the comment on 'just' above. although it does hold here as well ;)





    Or dream as though love is a feeling I can understand.

    the rhythm here is off, and i would suggest this:

    -Or dream like love's a feeling that I can understand.



    I'd give my tired soul to tour the place my dreams are made,
    And find a quiet place to sit and see them all displayed.


    i would suggest changing one of the 'place's. they're too close together, and the repetition isn't aiding the piece.



    One of my favorite dreams to watch is one where I believe,
    That words like "I promise" are used for more than to [deceive].


    the end of the first line here does not need a comma - that's not how you'd say it in real life. and the rhyme is there, so you really wouldn't need a pause. the rhythm should demand it, if that's what you're after, not the punctuation. sooo... not sure how you could fix that. but you can, i think.

    in all... i'm not certain about the jaunt here. it seems to be catching on something. which is unfortunate, because i think i like this cluster of lines and the lines that surround it the best.




    I also love the dream I have, that one day I am stopped,
    and someone helps me pick up all the dreams that I have dropped.
    And as we both try frantically to keep all of them near,
    Our dreams are mixed together, and we both go pale with fear.


    yep. my favorite. i can't tell you how much i love the idea of grafting dreams together. it's got the clinical, medical connotations, and also it's dreams, so . . . yeah.
    i like that combination of two unrelated things.

    however:

    As they pair up perfectly, with no mismatches or seams.

    the rhythm here is off again. i'm really not into rewriting whole lines (not only is it a douchebag thing to do, but people don't usually care to consider changes anyway), but here is my idea:

    -a perfect pair, lined up just right, without visible seams.





    It takes everything in me, not to rise from my bed screaming,

    now.... this line seems all wrong to me. would you really awake screaming? it doesn't seem like a nightmare, and i don't see the narrator being so sensitive to scream at the thought of not having zir person. and on top of that, the rhythm is off again (and i'm a broken record ).






    (sorry... i really don't like rewriting people's poetry, but there were a few things that jumped at me. and you asked for honesty.)




    i liked the idea of it, but i admit some of it got a little too emo for my taste. it's not a bad poem though. i was into the dream grafting. yep.

    ahuh.

    ummmmmmmyeah.






    kbai.
    | Posted on 2009-05-30 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
      Just too soppy for me.. the writing is fine just didn't like the topic.
    | Posted on 2009-04-02 00:00:00 | by BanSidhe | [ Reply to This ]
      you have a mental deadness , a little fear , your mind drifts as your soul drains itself , good poem , keep writing
    | Posted on 2009-04-01 00:00:00 | by JoJoCrab | [ Reply to This ]


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