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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: taintedsmiles
    Elite Ratio:    3.8 - 64/90/75
    Words: 68
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 626
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 485



    Description:
       It's like an infatuation with jealousy


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Blue waves of an ocean
    tide through her eyes
    they smile
    Sit down
    and cry
    Imprint fist with
    jagged nails
    digging
    Footstep meet
    footstep
    Envy's shiver
    each time
    Slump
    in agonistic jealousy
    Scratch
    an unappealing reality
    Chocking
    on tears
    Posionous eyes
    Breaking down
    is the fear
    To stand up
    and arise
    I sit




    Submitted on 2009-04-01 15:40:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My very first thought was this: Ah, short. I just love short poems. You have no idea. Some short poems have the biggest punch, because they're packed with powerful words. (I don't seem to be very good at keeping my poems short, myself. We keep trying though, eh?) Since you asked for thoughts, I will give you thoughts, mainly. Did you leave the poem untitled on purpose? Or is that the title of the poem, untitled?

    "Blue waves of an ocean
    tide through her eyes"

    By this, I thought of two things. Eyes reflecting the blue ocean, and eyes that are ocean blue themselves. Further reading will clarify, I'm sure.

    "they smile
    Sit down
    and cry"

    Wait--is this the eyes, the blue waves of the ocean, or something else? What does this "they" refer to? I assume this is a child, who toddles down to a sitting position and starts to cry, but then it should have been "She sits down..." I move on.

    "Imprint fist with
    jagged nails
    digging"

    I felt like there should be a comma after "nails," to give a kind of feeling. But you might have kept it free of punctuation on purpose.

    "Footstep meet
    footstep"

    Footstep meetS footstep, I think. This is a nice image. Either her own one footstep meets the other, a new learner, a new walker, or her step meets that of someone else's.

    "Envy's shiver
    each time
    Slump
    in agonistic jealousy
    Scratch
    an unappealing reality"

    Jealous of what? Does she see her parent coddeling someone else? Som other kid? I'm not sure. I like the rhythm of the last four lines here.

    "Chocking
    on tears"

    The correct spelling I believe is: Choking.

    "Posionous eyes
    Breaking down
    is the fear
    To stand up
    and arise
    I sit"

    I sit? This was a somewhat shocking end. I was following a "she" and a "they." But now, "I" is in the equation. A good finish, I think, if it can be made sense of. Which I cannot seem to do, at the moment.
    Perhaps I see the child's poisonous eyes, who is not anymore afraid to stand up, and have her way with me, and I keep sitting? Perhaps this is not a child at all? It has to be a kid. A growing kid. That's it. A child who grows in skill and grows in willpower. Soon she might vercome the parent.

    All in all, this was a pretty good piece. It carries emotion, certainly, but it is the kind of piece that hold more meaning for the writer than for anyone else. (at least, this is how I feel.) It is a little vague, and I believe using some punctuation could make this poem better.

    yours,
    S.A.R.
    | Posted on 2010-09-08 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]


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