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    dots Submission Name: she dies quietdots

    Author: leper messiah
    ASL Info:    21~f~New England
    Elite Ratio:    5.02 - 197/249/38
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1071
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 785

       sorry. kinda feeling lots and lost...stuff flies near me all the time and i can't get a friggin grip on any of it...this is what i feel like right now. i don't know what it is. feedback is welcome i guess but it will probably be taken in anger...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsshe dies quietdots

    whats up downer
    sick tired and sour, you
    you you and none of it
    real or true, toes on the
    porch and you're nowhere
    in the torch the needles of
    summer, Some are metal
    some are meddle...like me
    gotta be a palm down
    on the boulevard, palm
    on the table flat under head
    skin like hay, the ones w/needles
    for ya 'specially i am always
    have been true, charm like a
    heroin addict one on the edge
    I can be quiet whenever
    But this is for me and it happens
    Rip you out and away, not on
    my drug time scale of seared
    what am i to you, another-
    an ounce of my derision
    like a pound of dying for days later

    Submitted on 2004-07-14 14:16:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The start is incredible. it has a great rhythm to it...this feels like true april, if you knwo what i mean. its gritty and its jolty at points, much like yourself...hey! i have an account on this thing. its PhotoNegative...so come round some time, babe! <3 caitlin
    | Posted on 2005-08-13 00:00:00 | by PhotoNegative | [ Reply to This ]
      despite the grammar and sloppy appearance (using "w/" and "for ya")...well, i notice you didn't label it poetry, but...
    anyway, despite everything that could be criticized, i find myself liking it, enjoying it. and that's all that really matters, so thumbs up.
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like the use of 'w/' either, but I like it, too. It's sad and painful but it's good. Fe-eeeelings, wo wo wo

    | Posted on 2004-08-21 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      It's so nice of you to go ahead and point out the fact that you're going to receive feedback with hostility. If so, then you're especially going to receive mine with hosility. First off, I can't tell where one sentence ends and another begins. The rhyme, though working on a few lines here and there, is, in majority, choppy. Also, you may want to use the proper capitalization and punctuation, or totally remove both. For instance, within the line "summer, Some are metal", you need to either change the comma to a period or make "Some" lowercase. If you restructured the lines and decide whether you want to use punctuation or not, then you could make the piece decent.

    ~James "Alexian" Neal
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by alexianx | [ Reply to This ]
    And the bitter smelling sweat of the embittered.
    Well it doesn't matter how this is made up or put together - the mechanics are immaterial.
    Through candour and an inate grasp of theatre you've told your story and dumped your steamer trunks of baggage at our doors.
    Problems shared are problems...
    You made the grade.
    Here anyway...
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      my lord, I love this. the raw power of it. this is really beautiful...damn I wish my head was working fully...I want to say a lot about it but my vocabulary is missing. I love the needles of summer..hell all of it. don't apologize for this.
    | Posted on 2004-07-14 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      this is totally full of grunt girl... dont appologize for this and screw them other ppl who dont like it... they dont know what they are on about! i love how you have structured this and i found as i read it, depending on where i made sentence breaks, depended on what it was saying... this poem is so full to exploding... WOW!
    | Posted on 2004-07-16 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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